Duncan,

My heart breaks for you.

I'm worried that you will let the HIV go, get worse (AIDS), and then make progress in recovery and wish you had taken better care of yourself.

Honestly, I think I've been in a similar situation with a chronic intestinal disorder. I had a cocktail of 14-24 pills four times a day (# varied at different times of the day), I was sick all the time, couldn't eat solid food, the pain was unbearable, I lived alone and my boss was an ass. On top of that, I was still trying to be in denial about my abuse and it wasn't working. I really wanted to just give up. I even started eating things that aggravated my illness because I needed the "comfort food." Well, that is what I told my friends. It was really just self-destructive behavior because I was too much of a pussy to kill myself (that's what my mom would say about it).

The thing is, I wished things could be better, so I always ended up doing what was in my best interest for the most part. I got myself disease under control and years later, I've been in therapy, getting really good results in recovery, I'm in a pretty decent relationship for the first time in my life (I'm 41) and I can honestly say I'm generally a happy person no matter how much shit is going on in my life right now.

What I'm trying to say is, have hope. Hope that things can get better, hope that you can recover from the sexual abuse, hope that you can be happy. Maybe you need to change therapists, maybe you need to build a better support network of friends, maybe you need to talk things out more. I don't know. But if you want change and things aren't working the way things are now, make change - but do it in a way that you really get what you want.

Too many people value you for being you. You have friends here on the site and I'm sure you have friends at home that care about you too. People care. I care.

Keep talking...
Care for yourself...
Peace and love Duncan...

Michael