i am new here, and i am soooooo glad to see i am not the only one who goes through this. i came to this web site after reading mic hunters book "abused boys, the neglected..." i got it in a s.a.a meeting, (yes, i'm a sex addict too ) i am also in a.a. and n.a. i've been sober for about a year now and i believe it is sobriety that allowed me to tap into some repressed memories with my T. reading mic's book really brought it home, it hit me like a ton of bricks. suddenly all my "symptoms" and acting out all made sense. it was like dr. hunter had been in house my whole life.
my father left when i was 2 years of age. i have never seen or heard from him since. my mother began to sexually abuse (rape) me very shortly after that till i was about 10.
i was also physicaly , emotionaly,and verbally abused well into my late teens. my mother would ritually beat me by making me take off my belt, make me lie across the bed, and whip me till i cried and she was exhausted. when she was not abusing me i was her "little man" in between "uncles"
i remember starting to cross dress at about age 4, and i thought i was a girl, or at least wanted to be one. i was often mistaken for female as a young boy by adults (usually strange men). but i was always atracted to males and females.i first acted out in 2nd grade, playing kissing games during recess or at sleep overs. i discovered porn at 10 years of age and when i was 11 i found a bunch of female fetish s&m clothes that a neighbor had thrown out. i would dress in then every chance i had which was often because my mother would very often leave me alone for hours on end. this continued without interuption into my 20's .i even started to take street hormones to change my appearance even more. but i never wanted srs. as i got older i got more into the world of bdsm,leather,latex,
etc and was hanging out in s&m clubs or discos where pre-op/non-op transexual prostitutes would gather. thats just some of how deep into that whole world i had fallen. a completly over sexualized world of drugs,sex,and very dangerous behavior to escape the terrible pain i was in.
to this day i am still attracted to men and women that are very femme. genitailia does not seem to matter. after much reading on the internet and talking with other l.g.b.t.q. individuals i've started to come grips with my very sexual ambiguity.
i identify as bi-sexual/queer. ( or autogynaphelic, non-androphilic TS, SOS III for you phd types)
i wrestle with the memories of my abuse alot , but not so much with my sexual orientation.
i beleive we live in a pan-sexual world (jerry fallwell be dammed!)
and i am just one of the many,many shades between pink and blue.