I'm extremely good at flirting, yet when it comes down to the wire, i'm no longer able to be the soulless, mechanical animal i used to be.. because that was never me. I still dissociate and feel out of control when push comes to shove, but can't manage more than a whole bunch of foreplay designed to disguise the fact that i just want to hurry up and get the actual intercourse over with. I feel revulsion and disgust toward "being a good f--k", or anyone/thing that makes it like it were a sport like basketball or what-have-you. In my teens/20's i was trying my best to be some sort of casanova superstar... now that the chickens have come home to roost, it's quite the opposite. I'm probably not really capable of sustaining a healthy intimate relationship at this point, but were i to imagine one, it would have to involve full knowledge and acceptance of who i am, which i don't see too many available women going for. I've found my gay and lesbian friends online and off to be wonderful company, since they're not pedophiles, and have as much interest in me sexually as a mouse has toward a turnip- we can just be people around each other, they understand about keeping secrets prisoner for too long(if not the same type) and when i've occasionally gotten a little inappropiately "frisky", they've known where it's coming from, and help me realize what's going on and why. I'm hopeful that i'll eventually be healthy and sane enough to be a true partner to a woman who loves me for me... but reality is that there's more work/healing to be done on my end before that happens. Maybe this is kind of rambling, IDK- sorry if it's self-centered or off-topic. Just a weird mix of lonely, hopeful and grateful at this point.
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III