Brokenhearted and BJK,
first- broken hearted you should love yourself NOW and always, do not wait till you see where your marriage ends up. I agree with BJK. Read his last paragraph.
BJK- I used the word blame because it is the word used by many here and alot of the Sa survivors "BLAME" their spouse for alot, which is why the women use the word alot.
I agree with what you said, this process does take a long time. I have learned that the hard way. My H told me 13yrs ago. He changed about 2yrs before that. WE FOUGHT ALL THE TIME. After he told we went to therapy together, and he stayed in his own.( he was going without my knowledge for a yr before I knew) We after a yr decided things were better and we ended therapy.
Things were good. We had a "normal" marriage. I never really even thought about the abuse, and he never brought it up.
5yrs later, it starts again. We go back to T. He goes back to his. We work on it again.
Things are ok, again. Our marriage is "normal" again. Same as before. AHHHH,life is good. OR IS IT?
Now here I am again. This time I know that my marriage will never be "normal". It is not a bad thing. We are getting along much better these days, and He and I are both committed to make it work. My mistake in this was believing that it could all be processed in a yr or so ,and all would be well. He definitely wanted me to believe it, when he had already known that it was not true.
I choose to trust his word, but I know that at anytime this could all blow up in my face,and I will have to deal with that day if it ever comes. The best thing for me is to focus on myself, and not just him.
He says he loves me, and that is a good thing.