I haven't written in quite a long while but must say that I feel I've made huge strides. Just to catch people up to speed and also hope to get a little more understanding I thought it appropriate to write something.
This past year has been a whirlwind for me, both physically and mentally. My wife and I are divorcing-but for different reasons. I admitted to her that I had had encounters with two separate men (one time only with each) and although she said that she forgave me she would turn around and do things to get back at me. She went to the local police and told them that I may have molested our oldest son who was 2 1/2 at the time. She later told them that I actually had molested him and that she witnessed it. She recanted the following day but it was too late. The damage was done. Of course as some of us may already know, because I was molested as a child then that was all that was needed for everyone to believe that I was in fact guilty. My two sons were then taken into protective custody by DSS. This was in June 2001. The court case was held in September and the judge dismissed everything. I now have a 50/50 joint custody with my estranged wife. I was also charged with 2 felony counts of sexual assault on a minor and spent a night in jail. That case is still pending. Word has it that the DA wants to dismiss the case but wants the judge to do it. I'm assuming they are too embarassed to dismiss a case that they proceeded with without a shread of evidence.
When all this began I was horribly depressed and wrote about my orientation. I couldn't understand how a straight guy would find looking at men gratifying. I would come back here and see responses to my questions and sort through the stuff that was written. I've since stopped going to counseling because he seems to want me to be gay. Sorry guys-I'm not. I've found alot of peace with myself and have recommitted myself to a walk with Christ. I know at this point many of the folks here will stop reading and start criticizing. So be it. That reality is not mine. I'm not here to shove religion down anyone's throat, but I have never felt the amount of peace that I feel right now. I've come to realize that the struggles with orientation were a result of the abuse. I still fight at times to view porn. It's still difficult but I've been through more difficult circumstances and I know that this too will subside.
This has been the most difficult yet in many ways rewarding year of my life. I get stronger every day and hope that my struggles may somehow help someone else out there.
Thank you all for your help.