O.k. First I would like to thank everyone who contributed to my ( BDSM?) post. It was my first major post. It was very insightfull, comments both for and against.(I need to hear your truth.) It helps me learn and grow.
I got a p.m that basically said I was try to process my fantasies through the board. Since that time I have jumped over to a sister board dealing with this same issue.
Interestingly enough they have a bdsm thread (no opposition over there)
For me I don't honestly know within my dissociative states what is fantasy and what is reality. I do believe this is a sexual identity issue.(Or, at least a recovery issue).
I am a gentle soul, Always was, always will be. (that"s why I was such a good target). If however you feel my perception is wrong let me know and I will gently dissappear.(Who knows if I will come back).
Figuring out my sexual self is not easy, just the other day, I Identified, straight with bisex tendencies. Today I Identify, 100% straight and likes kinky sex.(Sharina)
Let my explain my confusion,I identify two personalities (that I turn on and off). I have not been officially diagnosed with split personality disorder.(what I have/where I go is close).
There is the male,masculine dominant self,(my inner child). The same personality that went to work today. Then there is a private feminine submisive side.I have named her Sharina.
This is so confusing,it's hard to put into words.In many ways it's more of a personality gender issue, than it is a sexual issue.
I don't even know how I got here. Was she created as a sacrifice,in order to protect me when I couldn't physically protect myself? (six to seven years old). How about within the realm of the shame of being made gay? I was to young to process,what was happening to me.
All I know is she, is in a cage inside myself. I cannot pretend she doesn't exist anymore than I can deny, my male child within.
You know the other day I was future tripping about this. Concerning disclosure in a future relationship.
I really can't put it into words how HARD and how CONFUSING this is for me.
All I know is I welcome your comments, If you can relate, PLEASE, light the trail for me.
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez