Pastor at my church has been preaching on service to God and experiencing His grace and power. Today he got to some of the 'heavier' parts of his message. Basically he looked out at the congregation and said "Why are you whining about your past? Your past is 20 years ago. Get over it. Let God remove it from you and get on with your life. Your whining will prohibit any real service." He went on to say other things, but, for some reason, I don't remember much else.

i'd be angry if a large part of me didn't agree with what he said. i've always wondered why God didn't remove the pain - or give me back the memories so i had a reason for the pain, could grieve, and get on with it.

For the past four years i have been their Worship Minister. From what i heard today, i think maybe it's time i stepped down. Funny thing - there was a church in Alaska that was talking about hiring me full time to be their Director of Fine Arts. i dropped them an email today, told them basically because of my CSA i didn't think i was the right person for the job, and that they need to find someone else.

Part of me thinks i should be angry. At myself - at my pastor - at God - at SOMEONE. But instead i'm numb. It's like "so what" - it didn't really matter anyhoo. I recognize that attitude - that's how i survived the years growing up.

Except i didn't grow up. i'm still a little boy hiding in the back of the closet hoping to live to see morning without new pain.

i've always said this is "why it's called faith". Now i'm wondering if i even HAVE any. or if any of it even matters.

m