50.

Today.

This is how I felt at work yesterday.
Quote:

Ashes, The Rain, and I
--Joe Walsh

Sometimes I sit and I stare at the rain
Isn't rain filled with sorrow?
Wonder if I'll see my home again
Will it be dry tomorrow?

Time passes softly and I'm a day older
But still I m living days gone by
Ashes to ashes, the rain's turning colder
Finding tomorrow, the ashes, the rain and I
Then I went to see my nephew and neice. I haven't seen them in 8 days. I have never been apart from them this long before. They smothered me with their love. He is 12, she is 3. They fought over who would talk to me.

She won. She ran to me, and hugged me, and hugged me and said, "Where have you been? I missed you so much". She wouldn't let go. I was standing there, holding her, and hugging her. My arms are weak from my condition. Finally, I said "Do you want me to put you down now?" She said, "No, I'm not finished hugging you yet. Wait".

I had tears in my eyes, and then my sister did, and then my nephew.

I had a wonderful time over there.

Then I returned to this apartment. And these words came to my mind.

Quote:
Darkness, Darkness
--the Erik Burden version

Darkness, darkness
Be my pillow
Take me in and let me sleep
In the coolness of the shadow
In the silence of the deep

Darkness, darkness
Hide my yearning for the things that cannot be
Keep my mind from constant turning
Towards the thing that cannot see
Thing that cannot see,
Thing that cannot see.

Darkness, darkness
Long and lonesome is the day that brings me everything
I have felt the edge of sorrow,
I have known the depth of fear.

Darkness, darkness
Be my blanket
Trouble me with your endless night,
Take away, take away, take away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness with bright
Emptiness with bright,
Emptiness with bright

Darkness, darkness
Be my blanket
Take me in and cover me
Take away, take away, take away the pain of knowing
Fill the emptiness with bright,
Emptiness with bright,
Emptiness with bright
Emptiness, loneliness
Take away
Emptiness, loneliness
Take away
My sorrow
I remember back in sixth grade (1964). Mr. K. said we would all be alive when the century changed. He asked what we would be then.

Someone said, President. Someone said a nurse. There were doctors, lawyers, teachers, and on and on.

When it was my turn, I said, "48".

I made it. And now it is two years later.

Devon is right. Sometimes, I want to find my inner child, and kick his little ass. But just for a second.

I don't remember where I read it, but there's a story about a grandmother and two grandchildren. One is a perfect little gentleman; smart, kind, obedient. The other is a disaster; rude, loud, always in trouble.

The grandmother pats the "good" child on the head and kisses him whenever she sees him and treats him very nicely, but she lavishes attention on the "beast child". She gives him treats, and ignores his awful behavior, and keeps doing things to try and please him.

The years pass, and one day the "good" child asks his grandmother, "Why? Why did you spend so much time and effort on him? He cursed at you, he didn't listen, he hurt and defied you all the time, any way he could. Why did you give him so much love? Why?"

"Oh, dear child, don't you see? Because he needed it so much more."

I have been a mess lately. My health, my job, turning 50, a serious legal problem - I could lose everything, and the worst would be the safety and security I have spent 27 years working for, for my future, and the current status and future of my mother, sisters, and brother.

Elizabeth kissed me again yesterday. On the lips. A birthday kiss, but is there more? Maybe, but I think, not now - not yet- I am not ready. Will I ever be? We are going out Friday night. Her birthday is in two weeks. We will honor(?), celebrate(?) both. She knows my story, my whole story. Is this sympathy and empathy or something more. It doesn't matter really. I know she will understand, no matter what.

It has been too much to bear. I was fractured. Now I am just scattered.

But today the sun is shining bright. And I logged in here, and there was a great gift.

A post from Erik (arghilles). I had to reply to him. I was compelled. I truly like him, from a handful of posts. I don't care what he looks like. I don't even care if he is for real, or telling the truth, not that I have any reason to doubt. I just wanted to help him somehow.

LLoydy, I'm not hiding. But there are things on-line I must stay away from. You know what I mean.

Sleepy, I'll get back to you soon. After Friday, I think.

I have to go now. Work to be done. Take care everyone.

Happy Birthday, Dear Donald (Don, Donnie, Uncle Donald, U.D)
Happy Birthday to you!

Quote:
Beautiful Day
--U2

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out


It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
Donald
** You can be captain of your ship, but not of the sea**

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.