When I first met the woman who would later become my wife – we were in college. I knew I had “gay tendancies” but I was convinced there were something I would ‘grow through’ – after all – that’s what all the “experts” said. I also believed at that time that God would “cure” me.
The woman I met in college became a fast friend. We enjoyed so many of the same past times – we could talk about anything. In fact – she was the first person in the entire world I told about my “issues” with desiring men and the battle I fought to simply ignore the “temptation”.
Close friendship – ability to talk about anything –unlike anyone I had ever known before – within two years I loved her – and our conversations were so intimate – it didn’t take me long to truly believe I not only loved her – I was in love with her.
Fast forward 35 years and 3 children. Now I fight with the pieces of memory and the “strong indicators” of sexual abuse in my past. My own sexual identity is in question. I’ve studied more, read more, prayed more – and have a VERY different outlook on what it means to be gay. Not to mention I am convinced we are how God made us – and He wouldn’t make someone just to hate – SO – I am also convinced God does not condemn someone for loving someone who just happens to be their same gender.
Where does all this leave me? In a marriage I’m not sure was ever meant to happen. I love my children – I still love my wife. (though if I truly loved her, wouldn’t I tell her of how I truly feel??) But I am in a life that is NOT what I want – in any way. The only good things? My music, and my job. I have a problem with my work at church - not because of my sexuality - but because of the lie I'm living. While I'll grant you the church I'm in would fire me in a heartbeat if they knew ... I don't think that would be worse than the guilt I put myself through for the untrue life I'm living.
Bottom line – I don’t want to be married. Now – is it because I’m just so exhausted, frustrated, and depressed that I can’t stand my own life – or is it truly because I am a gay man trapped in a relationship that, had I not been so confused with my own belief system and understanding who I truly was – I would never have gotten involved in???
I’m not looking for any answers – cuz I dunno if there ARE any answers out there for me. I just needed to say something. I needed, for once, to be honest with who I am. The thought of posting this has me terrified … but something has to give……