Hi everyone, this is me and my messed up story... I have posted on the poetry board (Sentenced to life...) as this is how I first found the courage to write sometime. I am now feeling the time to start opening up and seek some kind of help and assurances. Sorry if it seems a bit jumbled up and confusing... still trying to come to terms with some parts of it.
Having only been registered for a few days it is so so comforting to read other peoples experiences and be able to relate to some. My problem isn't so much the abuse that I encountered, but more the effects it has had on life and the people around me. I don't seem to function in the way that my friends and brothers do. I can't 'connect' with people easily and have real trust issues. I don't sleep, the same old nightmares keep me awake...
My abuse started when I was 8/9 years old. My older cousin invited me into his room one day (when the house was empty) and introduced me to his fun and games. That's how it started.
Although never violent, he made me do things that I would not want to do. I still struggle with the extact details, but as I have only recently 'remembered' the ordeals that I went through -some of it is still locked away in the mess and pain that is in my head.
It has been 23 years since the abuse first started, and what gripes me is that after all these years of not understandig why I am the way I am, I don't know how to deal with it. My relationship with my wife is slowly breaking down (she now knows of the abuse after 7 years of marriage) and I am no longer the person that I was... or thought I was. I somehow feel like the last two decades has been a lie and everything around me is built on false existence of something that was sub-consiously ruling my life.
Anyway, I am sure over time and through the help of counselling, I am sure I will understand more of what happened and hopefully discover the real me... I know this has really changed my life and I can see how as a young child, this has affected how I grew up and interacted with other people. It changed mt life and who I am. As I wrote in my poem, "I have been sentenced to life, but committed no crime".
God bless you all and stay strong. My favorite saying is, for winners never quit, and quitters never win. I'll never quit and one day - I'll win!!!
PS - This site has been a big help to me... thank-you