Had therapy tonight. Haven't been doing well. Not sleeping, missing work, etc.
A lot about my physical abuse came up. I was surprised at how much I was able to admit to my therapist. Memories I've always had about it, but didn't want to talk about.
But now, tonight with my g/f asleep and me being wide awake, I can't stop the thoughts and memories from running through my head non-stop. I'm just making connections between the shame I feel when thinking about the SA and the same humilation I feel when remembering him spanking me (or threatening to in public.) I remember a few occasions where he spanked me in front of his friends.
I guess I wanted to know how you all felt... the feelings of fear, shame, anger are the same for me for the physical and sexual. Am I wrong to consider spanking, especially humilating a kid in front of others, a form of sexual abuse?
Hurting and confused tonight. I can usually handle these memories of the physical shit. Never thought of them as a big deal before. Figured most kids got hit, I deserved it, etc. Sorry for rambling... just no where for these thoughts to go tonight except in here.
"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"