On Monday I am off again to the States, this time for my parents' 60th wedding anniversary and the 70th birthday party of the professor who probably saved my life in college. And although usually my wife and two kids (both in college now) usually can't join me when I travel, this time they will. So it will be a happy and fun experience and I'm looking forward to it.
Just this evening my son and I were talking to my mother on the phone and she asked the question, "Will you want to go to church on Easter Sunday?" Before I could say anything my son said, "Sure Grandma, that would be cool." So there we are. My wife and daughter will not yet have arrived by then, so it looks like my parents and my son and I will go off to church.
This will be the first time I have tried to do this since I started dealing with my abuse issues and it won't be easy for me. The abuser was a deacon in our church, and since he had a set of keys there wasn't any place in the church where I couldn't be hurt, no place where I could be safe out of sight of my parents. I still sometimes feel ashamed of what happened there, and I remember hating to see our church's big picture of Jesus surrounded by laughing playing kids. They were all safe - what about me? I felt so screwed. After all, if God is against you where else is there to turn for help?
I know it will be difficult walking into the church on Easter Sunday, even though I remember the atmosphere on that day always being very joyous and positive. I have made so much progress in my recovery and feel "put back together" in so many ways. But not in this way. Little Larry is still so full of shame for what happened in the church, even though Big Larry keeps trying to tell him it can't possibly be the child's fault.
But this isn't something I am doing to mollify my elderly mother on Easter. I want to go. And my son wants to go and I want to be there with him. And on top of that I feel like I am "trying", but I don't know what I am trying to do.
So ... it took me awhile to get around to finishing this post, because I knew how it would end and I feel so awkward doing this. Little Larry remembers how none of his prayers for it to stop were ever answered, so he thinks it's crazy for Big Larry to ask for prayers for anything, especially not for himself. But if anyone is up to such a thing I could use a prayer or two on Easter Sunday.
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)