I have been married for over 30 years and have only recently got in touch with the fact that I was sexually abused by my mother. I now realize that I have spent my whole life repressing this reality. I am only now beginning to understand what I did in response to it and the enormity of what this did to me and the huge impact that this has had on my life. I, like many others, put in place as a child a series of defenses to help me deal with the abuse. The problem was that these defensive behaviours served to isolate me from the reality at the time and as such continue today - resulting in - isolation, lack of trust, lack of intimacy etc. I have just started therapy. A major force for getting me into therapy stemmed from my confusion regarding my sexuality. Prior to acknowledging my sexcual abuse - I found myself developing very strong sexual urges to be with a male - questions raced through my head - am I gay? Bi? Hetero? - in spite of living a hetero life - I was thoroughly confused and still am to some degree as to my sexual orientation. I began acting out my sexual urges to see if I was gay and have been with males and have had sex with them on a number of occasions. From these experiences I have come to realize that a very large part of my confsuion related to my craving for intimacy - I did not seem to be attracted to men on the street and was not checking them out but yet I did have a very strong attraction to the male penis (the centre of my mothers attention)- I enjoyed the physical contact with these men - certainly found it easier (much more relaxed) to be with them than females. Today - at some level - it is slowing beginning to make some sense to me - being fearful of my mother (and women in general)would certainly make it easier for me to be with a male. Because of my isolation and non-trust - building intimate relationshsips was always a problem - so I have lived my life in somewhat of a suspended state - half way between women and men - I guess this is the safe place to be (so my child within would say) but very lonely. I now realize that with the abuse - I took on a submissive role - did not show anger - if I did my mother would cry and my father would chastise me for making her cry. I learned to do what I was told - to repress my anger - with the result that the female side of my being flourished whereas the the male side was supressed and negated in the environment in which I was raised. I am now thinking that much of my confusion regarding my sexuality is a result of this paradigm - I was separated from my maleness at a young age - in a non-trusting environment. To be safe - I had to not be a male. As an adult - not being sure of my sexual identity has resulted -in me not trusting and being in an approach/avoidance type of conflict - wanting the close friendship with a male on the one hand but fearing it on the the other (homophobia)- how could I risk it - I might find out that I am gay - I don't want to be gay - but what if I am - this was the internal dialogue that went on. I had to go there to find out - this led to me seeking out males. I haven't been with a male now for about 6 months - the urges are less - but in some way I think that this urge has more to me wanting to re-connect with the male side of my being than it has to do with whether or not I am gay, bi or hetero - as I regain this side of my being - the gay issue seems to becoming less of an issue - am I bi? I don't know yet - but I will stick with the journey and let this answer itself once I feel fully connected to the male side of my being - I hope that this sturggle of mine may help to shed some light on the struggles that other survivors may be having related to their sexual identity. It sure is confusing but hopefully it will sort itself out with time - take care and have a good one - D



Edited by dave999 (02/08/08 12:07 AM)