Hello - I'm new here, and wanted to share my story.
All I can say is - thank God I found this place.
I have had counselling (not very good counselling I might add) which left me feeling totally isolated until I came across this website - it's opened my eyes no end.
Anyway onto my sordid past ...
I can't remember exactly when it started, I think I was 9 or 10. I came home from school one day to find that a cousin had come to stay with us. He was sick and need medical treatment not available in the country town he lived in.
I found myself sharing my bedroom with a 18 yr old who I didn't really know - long story short he used me as his 'play thing' that very first night, right up until he passed away 12 months later - fortunately for me there was some respite when he had to stay in hospital for his treatment (he had a brain tumour & was recieving chemo etc)
He was my fathers favourite nephew. When I finally got the nerve to tell my mother that things happened that shouldn't have, she told my father. He was furious to say the least, but not at my cousin but with me for "telling such outragous lies".
I remember literally being throw around the room such was his rage. Again I don't remember exactly when the beatings started turning sexual in nature, I think I was about 12 the first time I was sexually abused by him. I remember curling up in a ball to avoid being hit and him saying "I'm not going to hit you this time - it doesn't seem to make any impression on you anyway".
I remember looking up when he said that and seeing him standing over me with his privates in hand. I decided that s*cking c*ck was better than getting a beating, so a trade off I guess - I never got hit again but I had to put up with his sexual advances until I was 16 yrs old.
I have an older brother & sister. I was the "mistake" child, being born when my brother was 10 & my sister 12. I remember when I was 13, having to go stay at my brothers house when my parents went away. He somehow knew something was 'wrong' with me, so after much prodding I decided to tell him what was happening at home. Big mistake, he tried to console me, it turned sexual. Years later I was to find out that both my sister & brother were abused by my father and had left home as soon as they could, I still have unresolved anger at them for leaving me behind. My Brother committed suicide when he was 33, I've felt guilt about it ever since.
It must be said that my father was an alcoholic when this all happened, and it only happened when my mother had to work night shift & he would come home from the pub drunk.
It's sorta funny when I think of it now, it makes me laugh because he is a frail old man now, but at that time he scared the living bejesus out of me !!! Just a sideways glance from him would see me take off running - not that running helped, eventually you have to go home.
I have made my peace with my parents, but I still struggle with my lot in life ... I guess it's just the way it's meant to be.