I think for the last month or so, I have maybe been thinking backwards of how I should be seeing things. Isn't that something that happen sometime? That there is more then one ways to look at something, even if we do not think so. There was one of the philosphy people, back many years ago, (Epictetus) who say that something like 'We are not bothered by things, but by the way we view things'. Now, I think there always will be things we will be bothered by, as individuals and as each society we are in. Some things that are common practice to some peoples would be looked as terrible things to people of another country or civilization. We need not lose ourself to recognize other views, or even need to recognize them as truths, but to deny they exist, that is arrogant. (If I use that word rightly).

That is all fine thinking. But to look at whole countrys and societys, and how they think together, that is not my job. I am just saying that, because it make me realize there is different views of things even within me. Or there can be.

I have been, for like month or so, thinking 'why me' of all these things. Why me that I am abused. Why me that I am sick now, that I needed surgry done, that I need more stuff done to get better. I am thinking that to think this way, though, it traps my head some. I get put in one place, and that is not a nice place. It is place of thinking more negative and 'giving up' of things.

Why not me? I am young. I am mostly healthy. I am someone who can recover from surgry, from illness. I am not parent or partner who is working hard for family. I can have days or even weeks when I can't 'work', and it will affect me, but I will continue to have place to live and food to eat. Why not me to been abused? Other person I know, he kill himself years ago. I don't do that, I could really not imagine to do that. I hear of stories, people who been abused who go crazy, kill people, or abuse other people. I don't do that. I won't do that. Everything in my life, yes, maybe I very much do not like some things, but everything, I can deal with. I can handle.

But, mostly, I am thinking right now, to think why not me can also make me have good thoughts. People who lie must have fantastic memories, to keep them accurate. They lose their lives to it, to being someone they are not. I am myself. People who harm others, they can not feel anything good of themself, they must get those kind 'good' feelings from doing wrong to people. I can look at myself in mirror and know I have not caused deliberate harm or pain to another person, whether that person good or bad. The people who can do the most terrible things in the world, they are lost in the world. Because the world, it works hard to be good for us. They are on outside of the good things in the world. The darkness inside them, it eats them alive, even as they try to have control by hurting others. They are not able to know the warmth of loving someone or being loved. They can see the most beautiful sunset, and instead of appreciating the art of the colors chasing each other in the sky, see only the arrival of night. They can not hold in their hands a baby animal, innocent and helpless, and know compassion and desire to make things better. The beauty of love, of acceptance, of 'family', such as so many people here feel, it is not existent to those without the lightness in their souls to know it.

I feel love. I feel it from my family, even from so far away. I feel it from friends, both closer and farther away in distance. I can be strong. I am strong. I can be gentle. I can be kind. I can give of myself and know the great warmth of feeling that comes only from doing that, the return that comes not from the other person or creature you help, but from the power of the universe. I can watch the sunset and be in amazement by the colors, by the changing shades of light in the sky. I can welcome each day as a new chance, a new beginning, the chance again to find myself peace and being filled with the good things of the world. I can make mistakes every day for a week, two weeks, years, and still keep hope that tomorrow, I will get it right. I have hope, I have love, I have strength, I have so many good things in life, so many good feelings in my surroundings. So much GOOD.

Why not me?

andrei