Hi Everyone,

Okay it's long. I can't explain all of this quickly.

This last week has been a real trial for me. I crashed hard earlier this week and for all those whom I have spoken to during my darker moments, I just wanted to let you know I've resurfaced and have finally leveled off a bit again. Thank goodness. Now I have some thoughts to discuss.

I think I am getting really frustrated with the process of healing. My therapist tells me that I am not in charge, my inner child is in charge of how quickly everything is processed and dealt with, since he is the one that was hurt.

I have to say, as someone who struggles with dissociation, I have a lot of trouble with referring to my inner child in the third person. There have been moments in time when I've had no trouble with it, but for the bulk of the time, I am finding a tendency of trying to avoid that.

The flip side of that, my therapist believes that I have been failing to acknowledge that inner child for an excessive amount of time. When I do take the time to recognize that inner child, I also can easily acknowledge that this is detrimental to my recovery. I also find that the times I do acknowledge him have usually been coinciding with my breakthroughs on this path.

Inner Child.

I'm so torn on the subject. Part of me fears acknowledging the inner child for a genuine concern that dissociative troubles might increase. Part of me feels that this inner child stuff is merely clinical to get us to recognize specific child-like aspects of adulthood. Part of me feels like the therapy world makes up the inner child as a way of charging clients $140/hr for prolonged periods of time. Finally, a part of me feels like there is some serious truth to this, and I do need to just drop all of these other beliefs and run with it.

You know I can't just leave it at that. I'm now going to dedicate a paragraph to each of those opposing views. I really need to dig in to this... I'm honestly not trying to offend anyone here, I just need to get it said as I have times where all of these things run through my head.

About "fearing the inner child because it might lead to dissociative difficulties in the future". Basically, this partly comes from experience, and I suppose part of it is pure paranoia. I guess, some background information: I dissociate. Everyone dissociates to some degree... But I have had times where I've really lost myself in it. About 5 or 6 years ago, when my abuse issues were really starting to surface in adulthood, I had big struggles with dissociation. It took a long time to get to a point where I've, for the most part, established the ability to stay in the present while I dissociate. I fear acknowledging the inner child because of this history. I don't want to go back to the days of old where dissociation was seriously interfering with day to day life. I don't want to be out of control. It seems like giving the inner child breath and status would feed into that? I would appreciate any thoughts on this that are out there.

"The inner child thing is merely clinical to get us to recognize child-like aspects of adult hood". I'll expand on this by saying how important it is to, 'play'. To Play, doesn't have to mean playing with legos and little cars. They can be adult things as well such as taking in a good movie, going for a long walk or hike, hobbies, or just relaxing with friends. I am fully aware that without 'play' and appropriate balance between work and personal time are things that can lead to disaster in one's life. I find I oftentimes minimize the 'inner child' to be a way of explaining this importance.

"The therapy world makes up the inner child as a way of charging clients $140/hr for prolonged periods of time." I'm quite certain this is largely driven by paranoia. I suppose for me, its that due to events of the past, I know and understand how fragile and delicate something like the mind actually is. I want to make sure that I'm doing what is best for ME. What this boils down to, is that I want a healthier life. I want a healthier mind. I don't want to piss around with things that aren't going to get me that in the shortest possible amount of time. I am genuinely interested in true unleaded healing. I spent some of the most gracious years of my life in a great deal of pain because of childhood sexual abuse. I see it like this. For every day that I spend hurting and in pain, that's a day that I don't get to spend in a happy healthy frame of mind. I have goals. I don't want to be anyone's long-term patient. I just don't want this to occupy any more of my life than it has to. I feel as though it was unfairly brought upon me and that the life I was meant to live is out there, somewhere. I sometimes feel like acknowledging the inner child is going to make it so that I have to go through centuries of therapy and tons of stuff just to work out all of the hurts and pain that the inner child holds. Some things that have come up in therapy have seemed really trivial. I'd like to think I don't have to 'work through' the trivial stuff but that just seems to be what happens when you delve into the inner child world. Isn't there a point when we look back on these things as adults and recognize that certain things were just trivial and we can laugh about it now? I dunno, I think this is turning into a ramble. I would really appreciate the professionals on the board to jump in on this one and give me some feedback.

Lastly, "there is some serious truth to this, and I do need to just drop all of these other beliefs and run with it". If I may be jovial for a moment here, perhaps this is the 'inner child' part of me that feels this one! As I mentioned above, I've noticed that the times that I have acknowledged the wee lad inside, have been fairly close in proximity to my breakthroughs. I guess I'm looking for the proof to back this up. I guess the whole point of this post is I'm looking for validation on the inner child thing and that it can truly be more helpful than harmful for me.

Come to think of it, I think I might just send this to my therapist for her input.

Anyways, for me I find I am standing at an impasse within my brain. To subscribe to this inner child stuff, or to continue as I have been in fear/skepticism about it. I'm not sure what to do with all this. That's why I'm starting the discussion. I need input, I need feedback. I hope everyone knows I didn't write this to piss off a bunch of people. I just needed to get the opposing views out that exist within my own brain.

I think I'd type more but I'm shivering and need to adjust my environment So I'm going to do that now. Plus, this is getting hideously long. I'll be surprised if anyone actually reads down to this point. But, if you know me at all, you know I have to explain myself thoroughly or else, why bother explaining at all? \:\)

Cheers all,
I look forward to any replies anyone ventures to give.
~Brian

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I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.