Hello all...glad I found this site. I am 30 years old, and a victim of SA both from my mother and from a male peer. I have been in recovery programs for some time - AA, SRA, SLAA, etc., and the time has come to begin facing and healing from the effect my past has on me in my life today.
I don't trust anyone, even my wife or myself. I keep friends at an arm's length, wonder when they will discover I'm shit, and always take several days to return their phone calls, if at all. I've lost most of my good friends.
I am very uncomfortable with intimacy, or when things are going well. When my wife shows me physical attention, I panic. When I show her physical attention, I feel guilty. Either way I leave the room mentally.
I'm obsessed with sex and act out compulsively on a daily basis. I'm changing this behavior slowly through SRA, but I feel that the core issues that cause it are not being dealt with.
I've been through intensive codependency workshops, therapy, recovery, but still keep coming back to feeling like I'm shit, don't deserve to recover, and zero trust. Always waiting for people in my life to screw me over. I'm even afraid to tell my story here for fear someone will read it and "get off" on it.
I have a therapist right now that I don't feel good about, I believe is pushy and crosses professional boundaries, but I'm terrified to end it. I need a therapist in the NYC area who understands the MS thing.
I'm tired of isolating, not trusting, and not ever having fun. Sick of beating myself up, escaping, raging, panicking, and not letting people in.
Thanks for letting me get that out.