I wake up today, realize that yesterday, it was my 'anniversary' here. I been a member at this site here for 4 years. (Although more I read then post most of time). I was 18 years age and just some months out of the abuse when I first come to here. I was not so good with English, not that I am so great of it now. Actual, I knew it more then I had use it, so this site is been help in that also.
I am just now thinking, of what have change since I been here, and what I have learn since I been here. I just thought I would share it here, what I have learn. It do not mean it is what is 'right' or wrong or such, or what is for everyone to learn in healing. Just what have happen for me.
1. I have learned it was not my fault. None of it, none of the times, none of the abusers. None of it was my fault. I was the child. I was not in control of what happen to me then.
2. I have learn that I am in control of what happen to me now. And that what I do with my life now, it is mine and not on them. And that, if I do wrong with my life now, yes, it is my fault. Because I can not blame the past for my present behavior forever. Or I do not have future, yes?
3. I have learn that I am not alone. That I am never alone, in what has been done to me, in how I deal of it, in what my struggles of it still are. No matter how strange my thoughts or ideas are, no matter how strange my fears are, I know that someone else have them, share them and understand me.
4. I have learn to again feel emotion. I had shut off so long, to be just a 'robot' of emotions. I remember posting something here after being here a few months, about 'I cried today'. It had been years since I had feel that much. Now I sometime wish to not feel so much I do. But I remember what that was like, and I know it is much more importent to do it.
5. I have learn that there is some of 'me' that 'they' could not take away. I have learn that as damaged I am, there is parts of 'me' that they could not damage. That there is parts of 'me' that they never could even ever touch. And those are good parts.
6. I have learn to respect my 'radars'. I have learn to find some faith again in my instincts of people. Yes, sometime I will be wrong. Sometime everybody is wrong. It is just most people are not so aware of it because they have not been so hurt or betrayed in such way. Because I have, it would feel like much more 'big deal' if I was wrong in trusting wrong person again. Now it is not. It is annoyance. But it do not damage me as it use to. And if I feel instinct of to not trust someone, I do not make myself to try.
7. I have learn that I can protect myself. That is hard sometime, because sometime I still feel like the 11 year old away from home, with bad things happening and no family there to save me. I know that sometime I still feel and maybe even act like a lost child. But now, I am not. And I have learn to respect that I deserve safety. And I can provide of it for myself.
8. I have learn to some like myself. There is still much growing I must do, and much things of myself I am not as happy of them as other things. But that is part of life. What is it, that if you are so satisfied of yourself right away, what else do you have to do or learn in life, yes? So I am learning some more to like myself, and to appreciate some good things of myself. And to try to not 'beat on' myself for negative things so much.
9. I have learn to share with others, to trust them with some of most frightening and scarey secrets inside me. I have learn to even love some people, outside my family, something that I do not know I ever even had thought to be able to do.
10. I have learned that I am stronger, emotionaly and physicaly then I look, and then sometime I think. Just because I am 'softer' kind of person do not mean that I will not survive, and do not mean that I will not succeed. To estimate me is fine. To underestimate me, it is not wise.
To finish this, there is quote from Robert Frost that I think fit into this post, and this site:
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -- Robert Frost
Thank you to all who have help me here, thank you for all who have shared of their lifes and wisdoms here, and I wish continued good luck to all the souls at this site.