I had a really good night last night. I went to a dance with my boyfriend and we danced from 5pm - 9pm. I had so much fun, and I dealt with the pressure and anxiety of being around a lot of people (which is really hard for me to do) and everything just went so good. We had to leave early because my boyfriend had to get home because him and his family are going away for the weekend. I think that sux, because I won't get to see him. I don't get to see him that much during the week so the weekend is all we have together.
Anywayz, I went to bed. Woke up with a really bad nightmare. I remember the nightmare well and it freaked me out. The problem is, I remember the nightmare and what my abuser was doing to me, but I don't actually remember it actually happening while i'm awake now. Is it just my imagination?I hate thinking it could be cause I remember when my uncle was doing things to me and my mom walked in on and then turned around and left. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said it was just my "imagination." i know it wasn't. She was there and I was there and i didn't just dream that up. In my dream tonight, i can still see her in the doorway looking at me. I didn't say anything to her, but she's telling me to stop imagining things and stop makin up lies. But she's right there and my uncle is blowing me. I don't know if that ever happend. I mean its true for sure that she walked in on it, but i remember her leavin right away. Now I got this dream that she standing there the whole time watchin it and its really creepy.
I used to have these star stickers on my bedroom ceiling when i was a kid. when u turn out the lights and the room gets dark, they glow and look just like outerspace. It's dumb, but i used to imagine that my bedroom was a spaceship and i was flyin all through outerspace and i had a big globe in my room and i'd look at it and think I was in space looking down at earth. I felt like i could go there when "he" came into my room in the middle of the night and did his things to me. I just stared up at the ceiling and imagined i was in outerspace. I cried the whole time threw it cause it hurt and it just didn't feel like it was supposed to be happening. I knew it was wrong and I remember him whisperin in my ear that "little boys are supposed to make uncles feel good." I remember so many things he said to me that made me feel scared, and ugly and worthless and wrong.
I wish i knew where he was cause I want to break his face. I want him to knw that he hurt me and what he did wasnt my fault and he's the one who's ugly and worthless. And i'm never gonna be like him.