I've been in therapy for over 3 years now and lately i decided i need to start doing alot more work on the sexual abuse by my mother.
My therapist thinks it's a good idea because she thinks i'm ready(i feel as though i am ) therefore i find myself consumed with anger and consumed with hurt and confusion and as a result i've been acting out alot.
How do i do the pain work on the abuse by my mother and maintain some for of balance with my fiancee.
Is there ever going to be a day when i'll be able to put it all behind me and move on with my life
Is there a chance i can actually fogive her
Am i expecting to much to think i can/will forgive her
I acted out the anger,literally, about 7 months ago i went to her grave on mothers day and pissed right on her name and i have no regrets whatsoever for doing this.Aboout a month ago i went into a rage blacked out and went to her grave(by the way the cemetary is about 30 minutes from my home)and smashed it with a sledgehammer and knocked it off it's foundation.
I absolutely know within my heart i need to forgive her,not condone the behavior,to live a life i know will fall apart if i dont do the work.
Who can ever forgive someone so close to "oneself" as a child who betrays their trust to such a level that they've been screwed up most of theur life.
Anyway i'm going to my therapy today at 3pm and although i'd rather not, i am however in a relationship and my fiancee encourages me to do what is comfortable with me and no one else not even her.
Well who knows why i even vent about it , it's not like doing the work is going to relieve me of the pain i've had to deal with all my life therefore how can i expect to "change" if the willingness seems to be fading whereas before,early on in therapy,i would actually look forward to therapy.
Who knows , it is what it is and until the time is right for me to move on i will and not before and who knows if i will reoover and move on anyway.
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "