I have been reading about everyone's experiences going back to the place where their abused took place and it started me to begin thinking about my own experience. I was abused in my own bedroom by an older boy in the neighborhood. The abuse occurred multiple times and all in the same location. I remember saying things to my mother trying to bring her attention to what was going on and hopefully for her to stop it. Unfortunately, she never picked up on my comments and calls for help, and the ensuing years have been very painful and filled with complusive sexual behavior and all the other problems associated with CSA.
Approximately 14 years later, I moved away from that house when I got married. My bedroom was located upstairs and I can't remember every going back upstairs to go into that room after I left. After my mother died, I always found a reason not to go back to my old house where I grew up. I always found a reason to have my father visit us at our house. In my own mind, I could never figure out why I didn't want to go back there. I remember when ever I did go, I would get this very uneasy and scared feeling. I never understood why I felt that way, until now. It is only within the last year that I have been able to confront my CSA and emotions. I think that I was unconciously experiencing what you have been describing in your postings. It always seemed strange to me I never wanted to go back and visit the house where I was raised and nver wanted to show the house to my children.
I have to say, being on this site has really helped me get a better understanding of what I have been through and also helps to make sense of my feelings and emotions.
Thank you all for your candor and honesty.