I am really upset right now. I was at my therapist today having the usual conversations about nothing, and he asked me if there was anything on my mind. Since I have come back here I have fealt a lot better, so I had the courage to tell him I have been visiting this site. Keep in mind I have only touched on the the subject of being sexual abused, and he knows I have no memory of it. He asked me about my sister, who remembers, and told me about people with post traumatic stress who have flash backs of there abuse. He then went on to tell me that he does not know whether or not I was abused, but asked me to question myself if it happened and to come back next time and basically tell him what it stirred up. I don't know, he is good Dr. and I can understand why he asked me to question it. The thing that really pisses me off is that is what I have been doing for the past 10 years. When you have a 100 piece puzzle and are only missing 1 piece, in this case the actual memory, you can tell what the picture is. I don't want to have to explain in great detail all the pieces of the puzzle. All I could think about the whole drive home is coming here and writing down how I feel. I guess suddenly he just hit a nerve and I no longer fealt safe. I don't need to think if it didn't happen when I know it did. I don't want to gather every shred of evidence I have to prove that it did happen. I hate not remembering, but in some ways am glad because I can't have flash backs when I don't remember. But when he was asking me to question it I did have flashbacks of the house. I don't know? I guess the whole experiance stirred up a bunch of crap I try not to think of. Thank God there is a place like this where I know I am safe. Thank you all.
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi