welcome back to the site
I haven't been here long enough to remember the previous time you were here, but it sounds to me as though your mind is seeking change. I can identify alot with only showing people a shell of who I actually am... I did exactly that for so many years and now that I've dropped the masks, or the shell, life is so much less exhausting. I don't feel like I have to hide any more... Those walls that once protected me had become my prison. It takes a great deal of effort and a leap of blind faith to leave the walls, but its well worth it.
I hope you can soon let those in your life know you are alive as well -- because you have much to offer the world