*MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS*
This is a very interesting question that I have been wrestling with for some time now. The big issue that lead me to ask this deals with re-enacting our abuse in various ways and why we would feel driven to do that.
I have been trying to sort of lay out a process that I have gone through many times before in the past, in another thread. It involves me developing some sort of crush on a heterosexual male. I have a terrible tendency to spend far too many hours of the day fantasizing about sexual scenarious with the guy and overanalyzing (I am thinking of renaming that 'microscrutinize') his every move and his every word, and it is quite compulsive. I used to think I had OCD and that's all it was, but that doesn't fit enough, if any, of the OCD criteria.
What's interesting, is that the situations that I get caught up in seem to very strongly mirror my abuse. It all started out with me feeling an odd and powerful attraction to my neighbors body, and I was extremely curious about it, always looking at him but pretending not to. It was at this point that I believe he began to groom and eventually seduce me.
It's beginning to appear that I keep trying to relive that exact same excitement, and the similarities are becoming quite striking. That may be why I find these "crushes" to be so troublesome, because they can never proceed the way I am wanting (which is in a way that I am not even aware of), which may be to be seduced by this "heterosexual" male. I am thinking about it as I type this, and I must say I believe that the answer is yes, I am waiting for him to seduce me.
It seems as though this desire is never met, and that leaves me with one question-
Am I stuck waiting for my abuser to come back without even realizing it?
When I think about it, the abuse was a regular physical outlet for me and I was unable to resist. I remember I tried to say no once but he was persistant. It was a big secret and I dared not speak of it, and it went on for several years where we would have physical contact about every other week, then every month, then every other month, then a few more times in the coming years until eventually not at all.
There appears to be a recognizible psychology here that seems to shout out the word "conditioning". It's almost as though I have been taught to anticipate the physical "pacification" but I'm not allowed to know when it's going to be available, but apparently I am to understand that it WILL happen, because it always eventually did. I was sort of "trained" to be able to go longer and longer without contact until eventually I will be able to wait for it FOREVER. When viewed in this way, it is easy to see how it could do so much damage. I was sort of abandoned with this desire that I wasn't even aware I had, because I was told to hide the desire where it can never be seen, which unfortunately means that eventually it will become hidden from even myself. It is almost as though my abuser taught me how to wait forever for him to come back, and I will be his again.
I am taking the necessary steps to move past this by making the decision to deploy the 'causality manual override' device. What I mean by this is that I am going to make the connection and believe it to be the cause even though I am not sure if it is correct. I don't care if it is not correct because I can change it later if I learn otherwise.
The question now becomes, "How do I stop waiting for my abuser to return?" This is very intriguing to me because at least for now it shows promise to possibly break this bind that causes me so much pain, humiliation and isolation, and hopefully for many of you guys as well.
I welcome and encourage anyone's feedback on this, so far it feels like another one of my recent and numerous epiphanies.
Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.