The beginnings of my second EMDR session today were quite similar to my last one. We spent about twenty minutes trying to find my safe place. My therapist waved her hand in front of my eyes back and forth, forcing me to follow with my eyes. She did that ten times, asked me to close my eyes, and feel and see the sights and sounds of this place. It took a lot of effort to find the safe place today, but I finally got there.
She asked me to describe what I was feeling. I felt the rocking of the boat, the chilly wind. I felt the warm sun, and I heard the waves against the sides of the boat. I felt those muscles I never felt before relaxing. It felt good.
Then she waved her hands in front of my face the second to the last time, and I felt something in my brain change. She called it a channel, and I'm not sure if I have any better words than that. I found my safe place. I was there, and I felt one with myself in a way I had never felt before.
She then asked me to imagine a slight annoyance, like last time, like a phone ringing. I tensed up completely, but I chanted the words "find the lake" in my head. Instantly, the tenseness subsided. The annoyance of the ringing phone was severely dulled to the point where it barely registered. I concentrated on that as she did her last hand wave.
As I closed my eyes one final time, letting it all sink in, she started asking me how it felt. She then asked me if I remembered what the annoyance would feel like if I wasn't in my safe place. I described it as best as I could, but I felt detached from that. But then, she asked me what those feelings reminded me of.
I couldn't go on.
"I have to stop" I said through tears that seemed to come from nowhere. "I can't find my safe place anymore."
She let me sit weeping quietly to myself for about five minutes. I was scared. I was more scared than I have ever been in my life. I was more scared than my last flashback, where I reverted back to my 2 or 3 year old self. The worst part of it was, I did not know what I was scared of.
Finally, she had me close my eyes, and she started talking about the safe place again. She had me find the lake, my boat. I don't think I ever completely made it back there, but I was able to stop crying before I left.
Ever since then, I've been experiencing slight jerking sensations in my muscles. These muscles that aren't used to being relaxed are rebelling against being tensed up for so long. To add to that, I am very, very tired. I'm in a state of lethargy that has been unrivaled by anything at any point in my life.
I feel a profound sadness right now. It's quite heavy, but it is not quite a sadness that is based on depression. I'm just sad that I had to feel that way, and I want to do nothing more than sleep.
That's what I'm going to go do now.
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.
What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.