today has kinda been a weird day for me. i had a lazy afternoon and got the chance to take a nap. i was thinking about mark. i realize that this is the longest i have gone without talking to him... to catch you guys up.. mark was my perp. and i was in love with him. anyway.. i was thinking about him...

i saw my shrink yesteday. we tried the whole hynosis thing. was pretty intense. the whole reason why we tried it was because i dont feel anything. i can sit here and rattle off the events and names and dates of my abuse and not flinch. i think that is terrific. my shrink, on the other hand, doesnt. so we are trying hypno so that i can revisit the shit and maybe this time around actually feel it.

i guess it worked. cause i feel like shit today. having to "watch" my abuse again yesterday and seeing everything happening like it was someone else was pretty weird. we approched it like "if that was happening to someone else, how would you feel?" type of thing. the thing is tho, it did happen to me. so now i have to deal with all the shitty confused feelings. i loved mark. and now i have to caterorize him as a monster.

ironically he was the first and last person i trusted. when i was with him, there was heavy drug use on my part and his. i didn't want to shoot up myself because i was afraid of the needles. i trusted mark to do it for me. he was so gentle about it. he would kiss me before he did it. and then lick my arm to wipe the blood away when he was done.

i get that he would use drugs to make me docile so he could fuck me. this was something special we did. when he was training me to have sex with others, it wasn't like that at all. it was less errotic. less loving. more buisness. i didn't mind that either. he was a great teacher. i get that i was abused. i get that he is this monster. am i starting to feel that? maybe.

i called my shrink today. he gave me his number to use if needed to in between sessions. i never have. i did today. last night and again today i had a "body memory." i asked about it in the room last night so i knew the name for it. i had another one today. i called my shrink to tell him and ask about it. i guess because the first time around i was drugged and out of it, my body didnt feel it. or my mind protected my body. who knows. well it feels it now and it sucks. this was one just isolated incident related to the memory we explored while under hypno. and the event wasn't even that bad. i dont know how its going to be when we start talking about the more serious abuse episodes. why do i even have to go through this?

why do i want my body to remember when it worked so hard in the first place to hide it?

some things should just be left alone.



Edited by Jarrad (11/03/07 10:15 PM)