I am getting this woozy feeling of confusion these days. I feel like something in my life is still very wrong even though i have confronted my abuser and have decided to move out with a friend. (Another month until he saves up the money, so another month putting up with my mothers alchoholic chronicly unemployed boyfriend. Sigh, Fuck it, i can survive another month.) Things should hopefully pick up after i leave. Seems like all my life is about anymore is waiting.
The ugly possibility of further abuse is lingering in my mind. The paradox is living with someone who certainly neglected me, allowed me to be abused, and may have abused me herself, but being completely dependant on her emotionally and having no outside perspective. My mother seems to be everywhere in my life these days.
I wish she would just piss off and leave me the fuck alone. I am struggling with so much and she is just not helping me where i need help. Heres a great image for you. She is having a late housewarming party. I haven't been sleeping and have basically degenerated to the point that i can't keep myself clean. After the party dies down, my friends stop by and there is a ton of booze left from the party. I know if i dont drink it, her boyfriend will, so we do our best to down it all. After my friends leave I down half a bottle of burban to myself, then have horrible crossdressing episode and spend most of the night mumbling to myself, masturbating and crying. I finally go to sleep a little before the son comes up, and the first thing i do, to my regret, is take a "shower". This is me basically raping myself until the hot water runs out. (Ironicly, when i woke up my first thought was about dumping what alchohol was left)
So i finish, i'm sore, feel like my soul is bleeding, and the first thing i see when i open the shower door is my mother. She calls me, and i quote, an "asshole" for drinking up her booze. I spend the next five or ten minutes arugueing with her and chewing her out, and you know what? It felt good. For once i was putting my own needs ahead of people who don't deserve my compassion.
This would be very simple if thats all there is to it. But heres another scene for you. Me trying to call a rental agency. I start to dial, then stop. I try again, and i can't seem to push the buttons. Tears start coming out of my eyes and i don't know why. I am afraid and don't know what to do.
My mom is always saying how much she loves me and cares about me and will help me with my depression any way she can. But will she get off her lazy ass and give me a ride? NO. Will she stop keeping alchohol in the house while i try to avoid Ron? NO. Will she let my friends, who have been the only support i have had through this whole ordeal, visit as they please? NO. It's like she is only a mother when it's conveinant.