hi everyone.
if you can, please help me learn how to go about helping my boyfriend. he is 30 yrs old and i found out for the first time this weekend that he was sexually abused. me, my boyfriend, and one of his best friends were out saturday night. his bestfriend was driving us home, and his bestfriend made a joke, which i only partially heard, about the guard at the community my boyfriend had lived at and some sort of sexual referece. then my boyfriend said he made him touch him. me and his friend thought he was joking. once we got home and were alone he was angry that me and his friend had laughed. i apologized and explained that his friend had just made a joke about something along those lines and since he laughed and said it in a joking manner, we just thought he was joking also. he listened to me apologize, tell him that i was sorry that happened to him, and hug him, but then he said he didn't want my pity and pushed me away. he was drunk and was trying to get in his car and was talking about ending it all. i fought him for the keys and made him come back into his apartment. i tried to talk to him about it, but all he told me was that he was raped and that his cousin was the abuser (he changed it from guard to cousin, i think he had really been abused by the cousin and at first felt ashamed or scared to say that) and that he didn't want me to know which cousin it was because he didn't want me to think about it if i ever met them at family functions. i asked him why he never said anything all the time we have been together, or to his bestfriend who had been driving us. he said that it was not soemthing that you brag about and that it isnt soemthing that makes him feel good. i told him i understood, but that he didn't have to feel bad, that it was not his fault. i asked him what he did to him, but he said it was the past, and that talking about it only makes him relive it and did i really want him to have to relive it? so then i didn't ask anymore questions. eventually we both passed out, and i had to be up very early to be at a law school function. when i was done with school i called him and asked him if he remembered last night. he said he did, and then he said to ignore stuff he says when he is drunk, but i asked him if that had really happened to him and he said yes. i said i was sorry that it did, and he just said he didnt want to talk about it, that we should forget it. i told him he not to close me out and that he could not just deny what happened. but i didnt know what else to say. i wanted to ask so many questions - when? how old was he? how many times? what happened? -- i feel sad that he was hurt when he was such an innocent little boy (i dont even know if it was when he was little, this is just what i assumed). i love him so much. i am shocked that this really happened because he does not seem to have any issues with sex (not that this would always be the case) and at the same time i guess it explains the darkness i have soemtimes seen in his eyes, or the way he can sit and think of absolutely nothing. he does not talk to his father, and he has never explained the reasons why. all i know is his father has been married several times and he cheated on his mom. i tried asking about his dad a few times a while ago, but whenever i did his eyes would close up (i say close up when i mean that i could see he was not going to respond, that he was shutting soemthing out) and all he would say was that it was the past and he not been a good man and there was no need for me to know about it. i let it go, but now i do not know how to proceed. i can't stop thinking about what happend to im, playing different scenarios in my head, imagining terrible things, and i keep asking myself questions that have no answers. i do not think denial is the way to go, but at the same time, i am no expert. he seems happy for the most part, but he does drink alot at times, although usually i have attributed it to stress from a job he hates. i don't know if this coping mechanism is working for him and i should let things be. i don't know if he has told anyone else. i feel sad and stressed because i want to help, but don't know how. i have so much school work, but i cannot concentrate. i am scared to ask him anythign when i am not there (we dont live together, i usually stay with him on weekends) because i am scared he might get upset and want to hurt himself. i hope someone has been able to sit through this entire rambling of mine, and that they can give me some advice. he is the best man i have ever met, and i told him i would never let him go no matter what, and that is the truth. thank you for any help you can give me.