Guys... my 2 cents worth.... I was single for 33 years, dealing with all this (including CSA issues without knowing what I was dealing with), looking to be married, craving a family, trying to be celibate to honor my Faith, all the while "burning with passion". So, Andy, I relate brother.

In retrospect, the big M for the most part was my acting out. I was sexualized at an early age and lived with the compulsive M most of my life and trying to ignore the guilty feelings.

Guys, usually the big M compulsion stems from the CSA and the resulting underlying issues it causes. As Christian guys dealing with CSA issues, we need to learn to live in a continual state of Grace with a deep understanding that God, through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, forgives us. EVERY TIME we fail! Jesus was tempted in every way, so He just understands the frailty of our flesh and bones. When we fail, He is ready and able to forgive, so just let Him forgive and move on....Don't let this issue pull you down, discourage you or cause you to withdraw from God...or divert your attention from continuing to deal with the underlying CSA issues. There are greater issues to deal with which as they are settled, the big M issue diminishes as well.

I wouldn't get hung up over that Old Testament issue with Onan, it had more to do with his refusal to honor God and his dead brother by not giving him an heir (complicated stuff) than actually spilling his seed on the ground.

Again, my 2 cents worth,

Peter

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There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)