Well, sometimes things don't go as planned. I'm still pretty upset and confused, not knowing who or what to believe. Yesterday took several shots at my pride. Even making me look at myself differently. I'm sure for us ladies we can all attest that being in a relationship with a partner of CSA is sometimes a hard place to be in regards to feeling good about ourselves. A big one for me since his disclosure is feeling attractive.
I did have expectations yesterday, they were to have my questions answered. I wrote them out and sent them for my bf to know what's going on in my head. It was straight line from him to me. I thought that if he couldn't of answered any of my questions that something would have transpired between us mentioning that some or all of the questions couldn't be answered. That never happened. So it left me feeling scared not knowing the words that were going to come out of his mouth (could I handle them).
I'm so confused, right now. I've been warned about couples sessions so I was nervous but never did I expect to feel what I did yesterday. It was all directed at me, I was on the burner. All I wanted was 8 questions answered and I would have been good for a while, I didn't even need them all answered but I thought if I was going to have this opportunity then give it a go. 50 minutes went by and not one question was answered. I have to tell you it started to make me mad. One question was answered, "Where do I fit in in your recovery?" For 1 week he's had those questions and I would like to believe if any of them were over his head at the moment he would have said to me, "Kel, I don't think I can answer all of your questions right now." Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with my bf, I'm upset with the T for directing the conversation away from really the only reason I was there. I have my own T and she helped me go through the questions, she even helped me put them in order of importance. She said that she thought the questions were very reasonable and by all means safe to ask. The T made me feel like I want to be way more involved in my bf's recovery. 4 months we've been dealing with this and I KNOW NOTHING. I've been on MS long enough to know 1st and foremost this is HIS journey. I get it! In the past 4 months my bf has given me a little info on his sessions, and that's fine. I can recall we were on our way out to a surprise dinner I put together 2 months prior to our vacation to Germany (vacation has happened now). On our way to the restaurant he told me about a breakthrough he had that day. But since then, not a peep. Am I wrong in asking for a crumb here and there? Something to keep me going, to know he's making progress. I could just scream right now, I have a lot more serious questions that are bubbling inside me BUT I know they probably can't be answered now! I KNOW THIS! Still I have feelings that are coming up for me now and I can't address them to him. I myself know I can't address them now, it's probably too much for him, and I wouldn't jeopardize that for him.
The T last night kept asking me how I feel and it's bubbling beneath me to strong and harsh to let go. He fueled me even further by pushing for couples sessions for the next 3-4 weeks. I left there, feeling like I have no business in this at all, (yeah that's it in a nutshell). So now, I'm feeling and I told my bf that I don't want to interfere in his recovery. That's how the T made me feel, I told my bf that I guess I needed to see outside the box, I thought I was doing a good job with what I was given. But apparently not. Again my wording is off, I feel really shitty about our relationship. I left the T telling them both to meet together without me next week. I didn't say this but I don't think I can be there. He needs to be with Michael and work together, I'm just a hindrance of his recovery.
So now, I'm not really sure what to do. Should I be here at MS? I just feel once again mislead. I'm tired of that, when will people stop taking advantage of my good heartiness and not take me for this shitty ride. I've had enough of them in my life.
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)