It took me an extremely long time to finally stop with the denial. I don't mean outward denial. I could tell people that I was abused, however I couldn't really convince myself -- internally. After several 'wake up calls' I think I finally got the message. I still struggle with it from time to time but for the most part now I do manage to get through days without relapsing into self-blame mode.
I am personally extremely disconnected from my own emotions. I find my emotions can get up into my throat and thats as far as they come. I can rarely cry; and some days, like you, i just wish i could really *feel* something.
I've been told it will come with time. I'm starting to get closer and closer to my emotional self. If only for a few brief moments every week... It's a significant improvement over 2 times in the 8 years preceding starting recovery.
Hang in there,
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.