When I was about 8 years old I was shopping with my family, I had to go to the bathroom in the mini mall we were in and while I was sitting on the toiled in a stall that had no doors...I remember and older guy stood in front of the stall and had his hands in his pants and was playing with himself. I remember being so terrified and scared that I folded my arms and closed my eyes...wanting it to go away. I am not sure what happened after that (if anything)...my mind is just blank. The next thing I remember was hearing someone come into the bathroom and the guy who was standing in front of me left. I am worried about the unaccounted time though...I don't know if something happened...if my mind blocked it out to protect me. After that incident...I never pee in urinals....I Never go to the bathroom in public unless its in a lockable stall. Also this is my earliest memory of having an attraction to males...I wish I knew why! Never before that can I remember having that issue...just after that incident. Also....about 3 years later I was staying at my friends house for the night...got onto the topic of masturbation...and ended up experimenting orally....I DONT KNOW HOW it started....or why I didn't stop it...and worst of all why I enjoyed it! After it happened I never spent the night there again and our friendship quickly dissolved. Never spoke of it until now...I remember feeling so dirty and filthy and depressed. I never told my family what happened until I was 18. I was acting up...skipping school, lying, growing more and more distant and inward...I hated school...didn't hang out with the other boys...was friends with mostly girls, I hated everything about myself...coudln't figure out what was wrong with me. I am now 22 and after living the bi lifestyle and numbing myself emotionally and physically (cutting, drug use, promiscous) I moved home and went to therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD but haven't sought more information on PTSD until now. I kept pushing everything to the back of my mind...it doesn't work! I know this may seem scattered and my thoughts may seem all over the place....Im sorry!
So things brings me to a question...Does anyone else have time or memories with blanks or parts that they don't remember.? How do I figure it out? I WANT TO BE FIXED!
We accept the love we think we deserve!