First, i'm not looking to debate anyone about the existence or non-existence, or partial existence of God, or "a god" or someone elses god.

i have a deep belief in the traditional God of the Christian Bible.

in therapy i have worked on my abuse at the hands of my dad, abandonment by my mother, acting out in adulthood...
i have recently begun to explore the lack of intimacy with my wife (whom I love with all my heart)...

my therapist believes i have a lack of trust and i am angry with God.

through several sessions of therapy discussing all of this, it is clear that i trust NO ONE! i am talking about the trust to expose my heart and worth to another...i truly feel that, given the chance (one that i allowed) my wife would get rid of me and doesn't truly love me...she asures me it isn't the case...
i have tried to convince myself to allow myself to be vulnerable to her and tell myself that she isn't "out to get me" the next time we have any type of altercation...but, even the prospect of doing that, makes a voice inside me SCREAM "NO...YOU CAN'T DO THAT...YOU WILL GET HURT AGAIN"...

it is part of my being, it is in every fiber of me...placed there and nurtured throughout my childhood...

so....what does all that have to do with the "subject" of this post? without consciously considering it...i now realize i am angry with God and i don't trust even Him...

i prayed to Him every night, before abuse, after abuse...during the neglect, hunger, beatings, year after year after year...to stop it, take me, kill my dad, SOMETHING to rescue me...

nothing came or happened to change it...and i, little buzz, am still angry and wondering why he wasn't worth beign saved from that hell.

this is causing me great conflict...how can i be angry at my God, THE God of all creation...of all time...HE's GOD! I don't have a right to be angry with GOD!

What do i do with this...?

VERY sad and VERY confused.

Buzz