I've been away from the site for a while, things have been rough with the wife and I.

We are trying to resolve our issues, a huge task I must say.

I'm posting here because I'm seeking some insight from un-biased third parties, especially from other women who may be able to share things from a womans perspective.

We are both Soooooo codependent, and helpless it seems, to know how to overcome it. How do you get over being codependent when you have lived over 50 years being so, and over 5 years of being codependent on each other? I know that's a huge question but any bits of information, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Next. Some things my wife suggested that I ask, and see what the response is.

When she is angry, or upset with me, or feels that I have hurt her feelings, she becomes verbally abusive.

I asked her, how she can say things, horrible things, in what seems to me to be an effort to hurt me, because she feels that my behavior or actions have hurt her. She says that when she gets that angry (she hardly ever admits to being angry, to her, she's just hurt, emotionally) she has no control over what she says. That she does not have to think of what to say, it just comes out. I told her that was not possible, but she insists that it is. So I'm asking the women here, if anyone thinks this could be possible? I'm not talking about just a few cuss words, I'm talking about specific things. I will use one example, just for context. In the middle of cussing, and calling me names, she says, "just because you got fucked up the ass by your daddy".
Sorry to be so blunt, but I want to make sure that you understand the kind of things I'm talking about.

The topic came up when we were actually having a calm discussion.
She started to go through the usual "list" of the things I have said or done, going all the way back to 5 years ago or more, that have "hurt" her. I asked, why do you keep dragging those things up? I have apologized for each and every one of them, over, and over, and over, and over.......so what is the point of dragging them up again and again. There is not a single specific incident she can name, that has ever happened again. I do learn from my mistakes, and she admits that.

I then said, you don't see me, dragging up every hurtful thing you have said to me in the past, so I don't understand why you have to do it? I asked what the point is? You know that I regret anything I've done to hurt you, and nothing I've done has ever been done on purpose. She admits that too.

I tried to compare a behavior mistake, to her saying something on purpose just to hurt me and asked her how she would feel, if I just kept repeating her words of hurt to her, over and over and over. Her only response is that "she is a woman" and her emotions are more important than mine, because she's a woman.

I may be asking for it with both barrel's here ladies, but if I am, let me have it, because I just don't get it? If she already feels bad, why drag up every example (she forgets nothing I do, but easily dismisses anything she has done) of the things I may have done when all it does is fuel the anger (pain)?

Thanks for reading my rant, I'm just trying to understand her better.

Best wishes and warmest regards,
Scott

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I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.