It's been a while since I last posted here. I've been trying to work on some things but I'm having a really hard time seeing any good coming from my efforts.
I had worked so hard, and worried so much, about my disclosure to my GF that when I finally told her - she's the only person I've ever told - I felt like I had taken a giant step forward. Unfortunately, since then I feel like I've slipped back, and back, and back. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
I've been struggling to control my self-destructive behaviors and I've tried to distance myself from my old methods of coping.
Without going into detail, I've removed all of the things around me that I used to use to cope when I felt this way (alcohol, drugs, porn, etc, etc). The problem is, now that I'm trying to cope in a more healthy way, I realize that I don't really know how to do that.
I am so frustrated right now.
I had a huge triggering event a few weeks ago and it sent me reeling.
After it happened, I could, literally, feel myself shutting everything out again. I thought it was just a temporary feeling, that it would pass, but it seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I've been experiencing extremely vivid flashbacks about my abuse, I'm constantly depressed and I'm really not feeling very good about myself or my place in the world.
On top of everything else that's going on, I'm faced with another issue that I don't quite know how to handle.
My nephew's birthday is today. He's seven years old - the same age I was when my abuse began - and that fact is very upsetting to me.
I don't know how much more I can take right now.
I have so much more I could write, but I'd be here all night. I just needed to get some of this off my chest, and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read what I have written.
It's funny, I'm still never sure if I should write anything on here. I can't help but feel like I'm bothering everyone...I guess that's something else I have to work on.
Anyways, thanks again for being here.
If anyone has any thoughts, comments or suggestions, I'm all ears.