People have asked why I feel the need to cut myself. So I thought perhaps now would be a good time to explain. I do not cut because I want to die; in fact I am not suicidal. I cut, for several reasons. To relieve the pain and shame I feel inside. To remind myself that I am still alive when I am feeling numb. To punish myself for wrongs I feel I have done. Perhaps, I cut, because the physical pain is better than the emotional overload.

Sometimes the pain I am feeling, the emotions are so great that my mind goes on overload and all I can think about is ending it (the pain that is). Dealing with it is more difficult, so I take razor to flash and watch as the emotional pain drains away. The razor slices small thin cuts that sting and bleed by drips. Sometimes the numb feeling comes back while cutting - and I end up doing it again...and the cycle starts.

Need a reason...

I was raped...cut

I "liked" it...cut

I acted out...cut

I am married...cut

I hate myself...cut

What would the kids think...cut


Sometimes when I argue with my wife or feel she has rejected me or fail at work I am feeling so shocked inside that I know I must punish myself. Only then will I be able to go on. I know itís a cop-out sometimes instead of actually dealing with my issues, but I have been using the cutting as a coping mechanism for more than 35 years.

It has been over 9 months since I have cut the last time. But the want to cut is still there. Whenever I get upset and want to harm myself, I have learned to breathe in, breathe out, and move on.



Edited by kellygtx (09/24/07 05:55 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.