I thought I would tell you a little bit more about me – so that you may not repeat the same mistakes. In my story I did not mention cutting myself – something I did for 35 years. I did not mention it because it gives me as much guilt and shame as acting out sexually. Although I don’t have a drug or alcohol problem (but for the grace of the Beloved), cutting was my “drug” of choice.
I could do it in ways and places no one knew about. It started on my hands and arms and but that was not enough…I had to see it on the inside of my legs. Seeing it brought me right back to the bedroom when I was 10 – seeing the blood and thinking I was going to die. It was the first time I would bleed like that – and the rush it gave me was something out of this world. That’s why it was my “drug” of choice. The sting, the euphoria, and the sight of the “red tears” (as I have come to call them) seemed to make me feel better – a pressure valve.
I say this not to excite you but to warn you – this is an awful addiction – every bit as powerful as drugs, alcohol, or sex. It is just another self-destructive coping skill that I (or maybe you) have. It is so easy to get lost in and feel the numbness. But you know what – the pain returns, along with more self-hate, loathing, and sadness…such profound sadness. You make all those promises – and you have every intention of keeping – only to slip back into the sea of misery. Don’t start. If you are thinking about it or doing it and want to talk, just PM me and know that you are not alone and are not crazy – and that you can stop – I have not cut myself since December of 2006.
Edited by kellygtx (09/06/07 01:57 PM)
I bid you Peace.
The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.