This is the first time I have reached out on an internet site like this, although I have had years of therapy. I know that pain and sorrow are relative. But after reading many posts over the last couple of days, after reading the horrific stories, I find that my story pales in comparison. I even feel guilty writing about my experiences.
Like many here whose abuse started at a tender age, I was around 10 when mine occurred. I don't remember the specifics of the abuse, guess I blocked it out. I know that it was with an adult man in my neighborhood. And like many of us here, I don't remember thinking it was bad. I assume he was nice and gentle with me because I, at the time, don't rememebr it as a negitive experience. I was getting the "love" and attention I desparately needed at home from my same sex parent....sound familar?
One day, by older brother came and informed me that he knew what had happened and was going to tell my parents...I totally freaked out, actually had a major melt down. I cried and charged down the street, tried to run away. I was terrified what my father would say and do. We were never really close, he usually ignored me or was humiliatng me in some way (those frightening homework sessions). In some ways I think more damage occured to me by what my father did or did not do. He became more distant and made me feel I was soiled and not worthy of his attention and love.
I am lucky in many ways though. I married a wonderful women very early on in my life and we are still together. She has always supported me, tried to understand me and stayed with me during the thick and the thin...and believe me, there has been alot of thin. I haven't acted out in a very long time but, you know, I comprehend new aspects of it all everyday. I still struggle with it all sometimes and even more so since joining this group...I have had a few revelations during this short time among all of you. And I am grateful.
I also struggle with sexual preference as well. Although I have intellectually figured out how all this works, (to a degree)... emotionally, I am still in the dark. For many years I thought I was bisexual but now...I am not so sure.
Thanks for your collective support and wisdom...jake