I am so tired of pain, I am so tired of stress, I am so tired right now of everything I can not even be. I don't want to be. I just want everything over. People do not know that. They ask how I am, oh, I'm ok. I am hurting and upset and angry at work and no one knows. Just smile, do what I need to do. The effects of the abuse, they just stay with you. People say oh get over it, it was long ago. Ok, we will make the deal. The day I don't have pain because of 'long ago', that will be the day I just 'get over it'. Or perhaps someone else can do to you what have happened in my life, and we will see how easy it is to 'just get over it'. I am sick of it. I am sick of people not understanding, of not trying to understand, because to try to understand make them uncomfortable. Yes, like I am so very comfortable with all this shit, absolutely. I like nightmares, and panick, and flashbacks. I love feeling ugly and unclean. I am so very comfortable with the physical scars and health damages done. Abuse SHOULD make people uncomfortable. It is a bad, bad thing!! I do not understand it, people not wanting to hear of it, not wanting to allow you to talk honestly on it. If I just feel I want to die, I feel it. I don't act on it, I am not suicidel, just lost and hopeless feeling. And yes, I know that makes people uncomfortable to, even if I say I am not actively harming myself or wanting to, I just want the pain to end. The pain never ends. When there is maybe little minutes without emotional pain, there is physical pain. There is physical pain always. People say to just keep fighting. How long? How long to fight, when you do not have the strength or the energy to deal of it no more? How long to have to fight it when every day, every moment you are awake, you have things that remind you of the past? Pain, or scars, or that I can not hear in my left ear because of my father. There is always the reminders, and they do not take a break. They do not leave ever and let you rest from them. I had one person tell to me, 'oh, I understand, my parents divorced when I was 3'. WHAT?? I am sorry your parents divorced. I wish to hell mine had, but either way, whichever one I lived with, I would have still been abused. You do not understand. Sometime it feel like no one do. When finaly I get something good in my life, that is taken away also. How much do you have to lose before you learn to not try no more? I think I am quite stupid if I have not learn that. I have friend who is facing possibly going to prison for drunk driving, he is panicked of it, he call me crying, so upset of what he have done, and also, fear of prison, he is asking how he is to deal of it if someone in prison rapes him. How the hell am I suppose to answer that question? What do I say? I have never been in prison. I do not understand, and I know I do not understand. What helps? What make anything right now better? I am sick of all of it. NO, I am not ok.

VN