I am new, and I need HELP! A few months ago, my husband told me about a "mistake." He said he couldn't deal with the pain and guilt any longer. Here is the background...
We were high school sweethearts, totally in love. Got married young and were always devoted to each other. Everyone envied our marriage. We had issues, a very sick child and other, typical sutff, but we were happy. In 2004 we had been married 9 years with 2 kids. Husband works in a shop, and one of the secretaries started getting friendly with him. (She is 12 years younger). Told him he was cute for an older guy, and other flirting behavior. Her husband also worked there, so my husband thought it was harmless. He is also a flirt by nature. One day she grabbed him by the belt buckle and said, "don't think I won't." He told her she was crazy and got out of there. Told another guy at the shop, but didn't tell me. He had told me that although she was young and cute, and walked around half dressed most of the time, she wasn't his type. He's right, I never would have expected him and her. My husband has been approached by lots of women (he is gorgeous) and has always turned them down.
One night in 2004 my husband was working late on a car, alone in the shop. Since she was the secretary, she knew he was going to be there alone. He said he was laying in the back of a car, working on a sunroof, and he didn't see her until she was on top of him. (she snuck in through a partially open bay door.) He says it felt like an attack. That's the word he used, that she "attacked" him. He remembers her kissing his neck, and then immediately she had her hands on him, and then had him in her mouth. He says that he doesn't remember most of it, just bits and pieces, he thinks she pulled him from the car by his private. He remembers standing there with her stroking him, and then the next thing he remembers he is pulling out of her and running away. He ran into the bathroom crying and remembers everything from that point on (washing himself with comet, vomiting, crying). When he came out of the bathroom she was gone, and he was distraught. Says he prayed to God that it didn't really happen. The next day, he confronted her and said that what happened would never happen again, and that as far as he was concerned it didn't happen. She tried several times after that, and he did not do it again. I believe him about that. He went through a period of depression right after, drinking a lot and staying up all night. I knew something was wrong at the time but had no idea what. Then, slowly he got better.
Here's the thing. As a wife, I feel betrayed. He had sex with another woman! (Even though he doesn't remember it)We are going to marriage counseling and the counselor is the one who first brought up the word rape. In my mind, even though he didn't set it up, didn't ask her to come, didn't intend to cheat, the girl put it out there and my husband took it. But he keeps telling me that he didn't want to do it, and that for the last 2 1/2 years he has been convincing himself it didn't happen. Says he would die to make it have not happened, and that he NEVER wanted to cheat on me. I am torn. I know he loves me, and I never would have expected this from him. In fact, no one would believe that he was capable of having an affair. But, how could a 200 pound man be victimized by a 100 pound woman? He says that it hurt so bad he blocked it out, and literally did not think about it at all when he was at work (the girl still worked with him every day until I found out).
I ask him about what happened, and he says that he cannot see it. He knows he entered her at some point (he says he feels like she guided him in) but has no idea how long it lasted (a second or a minute) and he remembers pulling out and running away. Knows he didn't ejaculate in her, but doesn't know if he did on the way to the bathroom. Says that ALL he can feel about that night is pain, anger, hurt, and shame. Now that I know, he has been trying to figure out what happened. Even trying to remember what it felt like to be inside her. I keep telling him he must have wanted it, so he's been trying to focus on that. He says that when he tells me he must have wanted it he feels like he's lying. He says he KNOWS he didn't want it, and knows he didn't enjoy it. He says he has this picture of her in his head and she's saying, "I told you I don't take no for an answer." Doesn't know if that happened or not. Doesn't know if he said no or not. He says that even though what happened is every man's dream, it was a nightmare, and the worst night of his life.
I love this man, and I know he loves me, so I want to try and understand. I've told him that I think she seduced him, but could it be more than that? Could this have been an assault? Is he right? Could she really have forced him? He says that he feels like she took away his manhood that night. He says that he never thought about it during the time I didn't know, except at night, when he was lying beside me. He would pray for forgiveness and pray that it hadn't really happened. Says that in another 2 1/2 years, he thinks the entire night would have been completely gone, and he would have been convinced that it ahdn't happened. Now that I know and he has had to face it, he HATES her. Has said that he would like to kill her so that she NEVER does this to another man again.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so confused. Any insight would be much appreciated.