i guess the gay section is as good as any right now.

a word to the wise about - the way i dealt with my personality - and self -

for a really long time -

if something about myself or my personality or actions - wasn't hyper crisp clear or defined - all the time - consistent

there would be pyrotechniques - firece yelling - that's fine -

but as i got older - it really got mixed up - i don't want to recount the history of stuff -

but i remember - finding myself - in other people - like - i coudln't speak my mind -
i could care for them though -

it was odd - i was 'sensoring feelings'

but - as scary as it sounds - and sorry for triggers -

it was like i needed a facilitator - to deal with myself to know - me
since it seemed every word that came out was wrong i guess -

i've no idea- i guess the safety zone was - living in the manifestations but not really knowing 'me' -

like i dealt with myself as charicature - and not a person - whose edges - don't need to be sharp defined - and perfect -

i can live in a dream world a bit -

i can also be ruthless - forgetful - loose things - absent minded -

have blonde moments as some have said - not quite ready for senior moments -
i dunno -

if i wasn't perfect - i'd beat the crap out of myself inside - and externally this prophecy woudl be fulfilled - by the reinforcing behaviours of all in my immediate - outside of work life -

i can be childish -

i think that is a good thing -

i can feel about 85 years old - at times - and look it LOL -

but - accepting myself now - in the process of healing where i am now -

and recognizing achievements - that are right on - ! if not - 'the perfect shape' whatevr that is - since - it really just has to work for me best -

so it's a good moment - and day - i'm treating myself with kindness rather than causing more damage - as i once did.

a friend here is concerned - but it'll be ok.

there's a lot that is going to be OK.

\:\)

pax



Edited by markgreyblue (05/12/07 06:20 PM)
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"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous