Hi I am new. I am a co-administrator of a Tori Amos related Survivors Page and was referred here by my friend the Founder of the site. I listed it as my homepage. I hope that is not considered bad karma here as I am new.
Tori has been a real lasting source of love and expression and beauty for me. She taps my feelings and is a force of expression in my heart.
I feel out of place in most groups first as a male second as I was raped through unwanted oral sex as an adult of 24 in my senior year of college. Heck it doesn't even sound like rape but in Ohio it is. I feels like rape though. I guess I always feel like my story is not as bad as anyone elses I ever see.
After my attack I dealt with horrible feelings of rage and anger. I felt I was ready to explode and drive someone off the road who may have cut me off in a hurry. I had some explosions at home with my family. I eventually made the hardest phone call of my life and burst into tears when I first spoke with the girl who answered me on the hotline. I felt unwanted there and almost as if I expected to be rejected as a prank caller. I wasn't.
I am also dealing with problems with intimacy. I am a heterosexual male and am very stimulated at times but when it comes around time I may act I feel feelings of dread and I am just not able to feel comfortable. I dislike my personal appearance although I am not real fat or ugly I feel unattractive. Mostly I just seem to be able to find anyone. I do not date much and am dreadfully unable to make a first move on attractive girls. I find my fantasy so much more than reality. I am so outgoing normally I find this aspect of my life a mystery. I admit I was a virgin till 29. What a waste at that I was with a woman I wasn't even attracted to. When it was over I just felt hollow and I don't think it was anything like what I'd hoped it was. It felt overrated. Plus feel like I threw it away. I mean I wasn't the pope in college I dated over the years and although I was in a few relationships I never wanted to force the issue on a girl. Maybe that is socialization or an aspect of my attack.
I consider myself a victim not a survivor still and have a horrible time thinking of seeing a male counsellor. My therapist after the attack in college was male but I practically had to drag my ass there to see him. My new one is a female in her 50s. Sometimes we talk about it mostly we talk about other issues in my life and how I feel about other things. I try to talk once in a while but when I am there it seems like I talk about other important things. I saw her every week for a while but I haven't seen her in a month. I just think I am either lacking the tools to or am unable to express my feelings or even maybe unable to find out how to reach them.
I have posted my story on my site and on Barbados. I met many nice people who wrote me. Some are still internet pals now. I really didn't deal with my emotions for years until I joined a Ranger/Police academy in 98 and had to deal with sensitivity training with homosexuals and rape victims. I do not hate homosexuals although I was attacked by one. He is an animal and a rapist pig. He is not even human in my eyes. I had your normal fantasies about having him killed by friends and such but that passed on through the years.
I know I am recovering I just don't know where I am right now, I am basically posting here to see what is out there. I wonder about how to deal with issues. I feel more comfortable talking with females and have never experienced any support from men and I practically had to drag myself here to write this. My knees were jelly and I wrote way more than I intended so sorry for being long.
I just don't know where I am. I think I am better but I could be wrong. I may be just buried and I have no shovel or maybe no will to dig.
Just very uncomfortable with what I feel. Still a victim trying to survive. I know just not thinking about it doesn't make it better.
It's like a paper cut you cant see it you know its there and it never seems to heal and when you hit it just wrong it hurts like hell.
But people write me for help at the Tori site and I offer what I can. I am regarded as very helpful there. How can I do the same for me.
Just a new guy here. Not sure what to think.
[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: BrianFitz99 ]