I know we have a story to tell. After all we wouldn't be here if we didn't. Why do I feel like my story is different? Like its worse than anyone else's in here? Yet I do. I think I had the worse experirnce as a child imaginable. I feel like God was asleep while I was growing up or simply didn't care. I feel like I died and what's really left of me is a mere shell. I feel alone.
You see I was raped at 4 by my then 16 yr old cousin. But it didn't stop there. My screams were ignored by my mom when I would beg not to leave me with him, but I was just a brat that deserved to be smacked and hushed up with force. You see, I was physically abused by my overly stressed mother who at the time was mother to 7 with more on the way. My dad was never around and when he was they fought and he would force her to have sex with him. Violence was what I saw and knew as a child. Then my dad killed himself when I was 8, literally shattering any possibility of a childhood for me. My abuser continued to use me, and even introduced a young uncle of mine to me and he too used me. I felt like they were the only ones that loved me because they would pay attention to me. Yeah it hurt but so did my mother's brand of love.
I grew up and the abuse shifted to another uncle, who started using me when I turned 13 and that lasted well into my teens. I stopped protesting and instead began to give into it. I thought, heck seems like all the males in my life used me, it must be normal. I became promiscous and felt that any male attention from friends and older men alike meant that they wanted to have sex with me. I believed that all men wanted from me was sex and that is how men share intimacy.
Of course, now I know that its a disturbed way of viewing all men that way. But, I can't help it. So I am an adult, I don't trust anyone. Have attempted to commit suicide several times. Suffer from post traumatic disorder. Have 2 failed heteorsexual marriages because at the end of the day, the only sex I feel comfortable with is homosexual sex. Then that leads me to depression because I wonder if I was taught to like it and I wasn't and am not gay at all! And then that leads to other feelings of shame and guilt and on and on it goes.
I don't trust anyone and have no friends, no life nada. Like I said, I feel like a shell of a human being, walking talking, eating and going through the motions. But at the end of the day, I am dead already. I pray to God and everything but honestly I even wonder if he exists because if he does, how could he stand by and let all this crap happen to me? Why me?