I just decided to jot some thoughts down in a personal file and I realized a relation to the pain. It becomes very intense when I start to feel that this really good friend is going to reject me (and he has proven me wrong almost every time I start to fear the worst). I begin to think of things about myself that I believe are "worthy of rejection", and "annoying and gross" for anyone to have to deal with. I start feeling very scared and insecure, and that seems to be the source of the pain.

I just shared with him something from my youth that was quite painful and traumatic (not the CSA itself) and then I was a bit floored when I realized that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of someone I feel very strong emotions towards. He responded with a message so kind and reassuring that it almost brought me to tears.

I think he may realize that his friendship is very important to me, and he may sense that there is a very powerful and positive impact that his friendship can-have/is-having on me. At the same time, I do not discount the likelihood that I am capable of providing the same sort of powerful and positive impact on him. Realizations and reassurances such as these make the painful fears of rejection seem very trivial and selfish, but it is a healthy realization of selfishness, not another dark self-bashing.

Just some additional thoughts to chew on.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.