Saber(Kate), this is a truly courageous first post. What you said about beng 'OK' if you were a girl really resonates with me too. I envy women their expressiveness and their seeming right to be stupid. I wish I could be that self-indulgent, but so many things women do seem abhorrent to me, yet I am secretly envious. The obsessions with fashion, trash media and gossip and generialised superficiality, but it looks like so much fun.
I can't relate to actually wanting to be female like transgenders or even transvestites either, but I do wear allegedly female clothing sometimes, not that anyone would know unless I pointed out that my pants came from the women's rack in a certain store.
I hope you do decide to put your feelings down, maybe you shouldn't organise them too much. I'm learning to be less rigid and logical and let my feelings come out a little more, as I do I slowly become more ME and therefore less envious of women, who have that ability taught to them, whereas I have to learn it on my own, which fucking sucks to be perfectly honest.
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"
- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman