From age 11 until about 16 I was fondled, raped, sex toy and whatever else the neighbor guy did to me and I guess he finally saw my end stages of puberty that he stopped touching me and went off to someone else. At age 18 a guy friend of mine continously pestered me to have sex with him until I agreed. To get away from all that I joined the military found a wife whom I am still married to and have 2 girls age 20 and 13 who I protect. since those early days I still go back in time and reflect on what happened. If I smell, taste or feel something similar to the past I still get those feelings back. I love my wife but I usually go to porn shops or cruise the internet looking for cheap self masturbation trying to off on gay porn. I don't know why all I know it takes me away from reality for a bit. Alcohol takes on a big part of my life from time to time especially during trying times. I was really confused during my oldest daughter turning the same age that I was raped and had a time coping now my other daughter is 13 and although it is not as traumatic as before I still get flashbacks every now and then. When is all this going to stop? I am always in a confused state of sexuality. I am straight acting and have straight friends. During drunken states I have come on to 3 of my best friends and all rejected my advances but we still remained friends even after that. It's like I have this demon within myself and I have to feed it male sex. The times that I had cheap sex at porn shops or bars I have always been very safe and careful. I don't want to do that anymore but I know somehow that urge is going to eat at me little by little until I feed it male sex. I guess that is why I have been drinking about 6 beers each day for the past 4 weeks and haven't cruised the shops. Any advise to my confusion?