Ok, Iíve been dealing with my SA for a little while now. Iíve read posts by others that have similar issues, and they have helped me. Iíve done quite a bit of reading on the subject, and Iím starting to make sense of some of my feelings, depression, anger, etc. Itís been tough. Iím 33, and I was 7 or 8 when it happened, multiple times by an older (between 7 to 10 years older) black boy (this will be relevant later), in a community that wasnít very tolerant. This boy was abusing several children in the community at the time, including girls. In fact, while I have only vague memories, I recall this boy instructing, or more accurately, forcing me to perform sexual acts on a white girl from the neighborhood. I believe it was more than once as well, but my memories are hazy.
I never completely forgot about the abuse growing up, but I was able to ignore it. Or so I thought. I feel that Iím heterosexual, but did experiment with other boys a few years later when I was 10 Ė 11. It was shortly after that I had my first experience with a female. From that point on, I had only hereto experiences throughout my teens and 20s until a brief encounter that I ran out on, with a coworker who had been hitting on me constantly for a year. I was pretty promiscuous in my teens and early 20s, and have had a lot of difficulties in relationships. I really have a lot of issues with trust, anger, depression, self image, and a long list of new crap since it all decided to resurface last year.
It all started right after my GF of 4 years decided to break up with me. She had only told me that she was confused, and needed to be alone for awhile, but would tell me that it might not be forever, and that we may get back together at some point. I lost it. Long story/shortÖ.I learned from mutual friends that she had been unfaithful once when we began our relationship, and once during the last year, and was experimenting (making out) with some of her girlfriends, which I knew about one incident, but forgave her for and asked that she be faithful from then on. Then (after the break-up) I found out she was actually dating another guy, and I really went into depression. It was during this 3 month span that I started remembering the abuses vividly. I was a whirlwind of emotions, and barely slept that entire time. I lost 30 pounds within mere weeks. I was drinking heavily, which I never do. It was ugly. At some point though, I began opening up to a few people. I wouldnít discuss the SA, but I was able to start recognizing some of my behaviors, and how they affect me and others close to me. I started to feel better, and began the process of moving on. Shortly there after, my GF and I began seeing each other again. Itís been difficult, and Iím having more trust issues than ever, but I talk to her about my feelings openly now, and we are making progress.
Hereís where Iím really having trouble though Ė after we got back together, my fantasies are out of control. I always had an active imagination, and they have always been a little more risquť. I was involved in a threesome with a hereto couple a few times in my late teens, and have had fantasies of having multiple partners often since then. They have always been hereto (at least as far as the men, if there were any) and werenít as frequent. Now, I have many involving my own bisexuality, with mostly black men, and I often fantasize of sharing my GF with other men or women. I get highly aroused by these thoughts, but sometimes feel disgusted with myself afterwards. Iíve discussed this with her, and she seems to accept it more than I do. Iíve even considered experimenting with some of these, but it scares me immensely. I tried to block out the fantasies, and even tried abstaining from masturbation for awhile, but I feel like I need the release. I donít see my GF very often because she is now away at Univ. completing her degree, and Iím lost as far as how to deal with this. I know someone will suggest therapy, but itís just not an option for me. I donít have the resources presently, and I had 2 separate experiences with therapists that compel me to avoid them. I think just discussing this will help me anyway.