I had a pretty in depth session with my T tonight, and I am not sure where it has left me. We talked about my sexual orientation, or lack thereof for that matter. I am just so confused as to what I want, or what i need, or who i am, and I know we all struggle with those things in one way or another. I have been in a good relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years now, and things are good for the the most part, but there is still the curious side of me. I still ahve an attraction for men, and a compulsion to watch gay porn. I have acted out sexually with men years ago when I was a teen, and I have not done so for about 5-6 years, so i have ben faithful to my girlfriend. but there is still a side of me that wants to explore. My T suggested that maybe i should try to explore it some more, an maybe go out to a gay bar to socialize. I am afraid that would lead to a compulsive action, and i would end up in a random bed... I dont know if that would happen or not, but i'm afraid of it. Plus, i know my girlfriend would not be cool with me hangin out in a gay bar, she'd be threatened by that, and it would cause some serious issues between us. shes already afraid I might trip on a gay rock, and it'll change my life forever! I am still young, and I'm not engaged yet or anything, so is it wrong of me to kind of want to explore more before i do commit? But then i think about it, and I dont think i'd feel comfortable in the "gay Scene" and I dont know if I would be comfortable in a gay relationship. I've never had one, so I dont know. I have only had casual physical encounters before, that i believe were just acting out sexually because of my abuse. I dont really knoww hat to do, and the more I think about it, the more confused I get... He didnt force his opinion on me or anything, but i know that my T is a gay male, who was married to a woman before, and has had kids, but since divorced and now has a male partner. I dont want to go down that path, because I dont want to hurt my "future wife" or any kids I might have (which I would love to have kids one day). I couldnt do that to them, so I feel so much pressure to choose the right path, but I dont know what feels right!! UGH!!
OK, sorry for the rant, but I had to vent, and event hough I have, the confusion remains... thanks for readin...
"Look at every path closely and deliberately, then ask ourselves this crucial question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then the path is good. If it doesn't, it is of no use."
Sequoia I-March '11
Alta II, September '11