Hello, guys, it's Bobby again. I know, I know, will he never shut up? I'm not sure. These things just keep popping up in my brain and I want to know how you feel about them. When you've lived bottled up with this stuff as long as I have and you didn't even know what the stuff was, just that it was stuff, you want nothing more than to say it out loud and hear someone say something back to you about it. It doesn't matter if they agree with you or not or even if they think what you said was stupid or not, although that can sting. You just need to get it out and take a look at it, and you can't do that by yourself. You have been confused about it long enough and you need to wrap your brain around it from a different perspective. That's what this is all about. I don't know how long it's going to be, but I figure that, if it's too long, you'll fall asleep in the middle of it and wake up and have to do something else and never get back to it, so I haven't done a lot of harm.
So far I have written safe stuff here. I have written completely honest stuff. I have written very, very painful stuff. I have said things here that I have never said out loud before. I have a genuine compassion and caring for everyone whose posts I read and it's not unusual for me to cry while reading one. I cry for you and I cry for me and I cry for the universal almost unbearable pain that we all share. I say all this because it's important that I state my honesty before I say what I'm going to say, because I'm going to talk about the dishonest things. God knows I'm either going to be really sorry for this or really glad I did it. We'll see.
One of the things I need to do here is to learn to trust...all of you. I know that is totally silly because you can't trust all of anybody, and even though I sound naive and open, I don't trust a single soul in the whole wide world completely. Why should any of us? My abuse came from my dear old dad. If you can't trust Daddy, who can you trust? So I'm warry...of everyone. But, you see, I'm so very tired of being on guard. That takes so much energy that I could be putting to good use somewhere else. I'm so tired all the time just from trying to keep myself safe from people...especially men people. Every man is potential danger to me. That's every man in the whole world. I never met a man I didn't fear.
So, what I really want to do is walk out in the middle of a room, take off all my clothes (not pretty) and symbolically slit myself open from head to toe and just let everything flow out on the floor. For those of you who must watch those things, what I just said has nothing to do with suicide. "Symbolically" was the important word there. I want everyone to see every part of me. I don't want anything left. Take pictures, write it down, do anything you want. I simply can have and want to have no more secrets...not any. I am a good person. I AM A GOOD PERSON. I AM NOT DIRT. I AM NOT DAMAGED GOODS. I AM NOT ASHAMED. But you see, I am ashamed,really. And I do think I'm dirt and I don't think I'm a good person...well part of me thinks that and the other part of me would argue the point. So, if I could just let you see every last part of me, then I wouldn't have to worry that you might see every last part of me. That scares me just to think about it. Maybe I don't want to do that at all. So I selfishly am going to tell you about every last part of me. Even though this is anonymous, that's very brave of me, or very selfish. But then, you're not really a captive audience except for those of you who must read this to make sure I don't say the wrong things. To you I apologize. I am going to talk about the things that most embarrass me and the things I most want to hide. Then it will be done. Maybe after that you won't even have to see rambling stuff from me anymore. I won't have anything more to say...yeah, right like that will happen. The ultimate conceit...to think that anyone cares.
Let's start with sexuality. I'm really embarrassed about my sexuality. I'm old enough that I was brought up to believe that gay was really awful. Gay people were weird. Gay sex was never talked about, so I didn't have any concept about how bad that was, except that God never intended for men to do that together. Gay men were just weird in a sort of non-de>
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.