I've been thinking about posting on here for a while and for one reason or another I'm just now getting around to it. Some of you may already know my story from the chat room; but I'll try to start from the beginning anyway. Obviously I am struggling with the same things you guys are in the uniqueness of my own context.
My abuse: I don't know went it started --- I think I was 8-10 years old. It contunied periodically till I was 16 or 17. It wasn't violent or as invasive as many stories I've heard. I and I feel a strange sense of "luck" (?) about that. It was only touching. My abuser was an uncle who is metally delayed. Through most of the abuse, he was probably not much older than myself cognativly.
Everything else: I don't remember how old I was when I first realized that I was physically attracted to men. I went to a private school that covered from 4yo Kindergarten to 12th grade. I think I must have been in middle school (maybe younger); but there was a guy in my school, who was older, that I remember not being able to take my eyes off of. I bring that up only because I can't remember if that was before or after the abuse started --- and maybe that would make a difference.
I was also attracted to girls. Never to the same level as my physical attraction to guys, but there was something. I always imagined long-term relationships with women (along with sex) and thought mostly about sex with guys.
I came close to having sex with a male friend of mine near the end of high school. But it never happened. I didn't date much up through college. And, actually, never had sex. Heck, I never even kissed anyone.
In college I had a crush on a girl that never went anywhere. I asked her out... but I think what I did was really fumble things mostly. Anyway we remained simply friends.
All through college, however, I also wrestled with a growing sense of attraction to guys. Again it was only a physical attraction that I never acted on, at least not in person. As the internet blossomed, I started hanging out in gay chat rooms and looking at pics of men. Before I had only seen hetro porn, I liked it, but I knew I watched the guys more than the girls.
I thought I was bi and that it was only because (through the SA) I had a sexual experince with another guy that I had these feelings at all. I mean, after all, they were mostly physical attractions. Nothing emotional.
I got married at 26. I love my wife. I was able to develope a strong emotional connection with her. We didn't have sex until we got married. I don't know how to describe it, except to say it left a lot to be desired --- for both of us I think. I have seemed to be disconnected since our wedding night. Our sex life has been sparse (its non-existant now after only 5 years of marriage).
And something else happened, something unsolicited and unexpected. I became friends with a guy, who I can't even begin to describe how he makes me feel. The best I can put it is that he overwhelms me. Its not just a physical attraction.
I've been reading the posts on here... "How can I tell if I am gay or its just the SA?" And I have heard most of you guys say that what you think about is sex with another guy --- not the relationship part, not life together, as it were. But I can't stop thinking about both with this guy - sex, yes (he's a great looking guy) but I want the friendship/companionship, hanging out, talking, all the emotional connections.
My wife knows what I am going through (not all the details about the attraction to another guy) --- but she does know about the SA and the confusion. We almost got divorced 2 years ago because of my disconnectedness. We have been in therapy since then. It was then I told her about the SA. In November I told her that I was really wrestling with sexual identity.
November was a real low for us, and me. I cycled out of it a bit and have felt ok; but I can tell I am slipping back down.
So that's me. I'm headed to therapy this afternoon, feeling quite broken. And I just felt like I needed to write out some things. Thanks for reading.